Matchmaker Monday: Where's Your Tribe?

Friends are important at all stages, yet never seem quite as vital as when you are a single adult. Sometimes though, it can be difficult to make that lasting connection. I can remember watching episodes of Friends, in it's actual airing, btw, because I am that old, and thinking when you get to be an adult, you have to find those kind of friends to do life with. In fact, I can remember in college, one of my professors talked about how there was a new developmental phenomenon arising because of the influence of Friends. She called it a tribe because it was a group of young adults that did everything together. I remember her saying that it would be interesting to see the effect, such as changed family bonds, delayed marriages, etc. arise from this new tribe mentality.

Now maybe there are people out there who have these Friends-esque tribes they run around in. I'll be honest. I really don't. In fact, if I think really hard for a minute, probably the last time I had a big group of coed friends around me was during college. As I've moved into adulthood, I still have friends around me, but often they are smaller (and now according to Facebook, I'm learning they are very intertwined) and purposeful. I have friends that I work with. I have friends that I do Bible study with. I have friends that I meet for coffee. I have friends I take dance class with. I have friendships that started because their child was in my class.  I have friends that know me heart and soul, and luckily for me, they still choose to be my friend. I have college friends I still see. All of these groups of friends converge to make one giant group of friends- a community, instead of a small exclusive tribe. 

As a single adult, I'm challenging other single adults...please make a large community for yourself. Don't make a tribe. I know TV has glamorized the single persons' tribe. However, in my heart, I feel like the more fulfilling option is to build a community for yourself. In fact this morning, I was reading about Nehemiah working to rebuild Jerusalem after the years of captivity. The way it was accomplished was through many men working on many parts. Together they rebuilt the physical community to allow for spiritual community. I know it can be easy as a single to only want to hang out with other singles. I get it. Sometimes there's only one more conversation about couplehood you can take. But in addition to your single friends, have friends of all types. I know I've received lots of wise council from people in my community that I may not have listened to if I was only looking for a tribe.  Let many types of people into your life and watch as you grow and transform to something better. We all need it! So if you are feeling lonely, dear single friend, don't look to build a Friends tribe. Instead, stop to build a diverse community around you of friends of people of all ages and walks. It will make your life richer.

And Now For Something Completely Different on Matchmaker Monday: I am a Nazarene

On Mondays, I usually devote time to writing about my journey as a single Christian woman living in the Bible Belt Buckle called Oklahoma.  I felt awkward about writing about my journey since I feel like a minority with the majority of friends, family, and co-workers married.  However, God hit me over the head this week with what it truly means to be a minority.  

You see, I may feel sad at times because I don't have a husband to come home to everyday.  I look at the birthdays of my students and realize that I could be old enough to be their mother, without any social stigma, and I feel sad knowing if I do have children in the context of marriage, it could be considered a 'geriatric pregnancy.'  I could even be upset that I still don't own my own house yet.

Then I turned on the news.  Then I read through my Facebook Newsfeed.  Then I read my Twitter Timeline.  I realized something much bigger than my pity party of singleness was happening across the world. I now saw what it truly meant to be a minority.  Iraqi Christian women are devastated by pure evil right now.  They are forced from their homes, brutally raped, husbands killed, and their children beheaded.  As I listen to the stories and see the pictures, I am absolutely gobsmacked at the horrific violence.  Everyday since I've heard about what the ISIS is doing, I have prayed.  First, I prayed for forgiveness for being so self-centered and selfish lately.  Second, I've just prayed this simple prayer for those fellow Christians- Lord, help them.  

I'm in the middle of reading the Old Testament in my year of reading the Bible.  The violence that is making the news is the same violence in the books of Kings, Chronicles, Jeremiah, Daniel, etc.  It is evil determined to drive out all of God's people.  It breaks my heart that so many are suffering and I sit here in America, helpless.  Or so I thought.  I'm reminded of when King Hezekiah was faced with ruthless threats against the people of Israel and God by King Sennacherib.  You can read about King Sennacherib's threats in 2 Kings 18.  He was surrounding the city and thought for certain he would be victorious.  In the next chapter, we read about King Hezekiah's response.  He goes into mourning.  He is upset and very distressed.  I imagine it is probably very similar to the Iraqi Christians.  King Hezekiah prays this beautiful prayer: 

 “Lord, the God of Israel, enthroned between the cherubim, you alone are God over all the kingdoms of the earth. You have made heaven and earth. Give ear, Lord, and hear; open your eyes, Lord, and see; listen to the words Sennacherib has sent to ridicule the living God.  It is true, Lord, that the Assyrian kings have laid waste these nations and their lands. They have thrown their gods into the fire and destroyed them, for they were not gods but only wood and stone, fashioned by human hands. Now, Lord our God, deliver us from his hand, so that all the kingdoms of the earth may know that you alone, Lord, are God.” 

The prophet Isaiah then comes to King Hezekiah and tells him that his prayer for deliverance will be answered.  Then God sends the Angel of Death into the troops of King Sennacherib's troops and they are defeated and driven back to their city.

While the ISIS makes news headlines for the terror they are inflicting, let us as fellow Christians (or Nazarenes, to use their word)  use the most powerful weapon we have to help in the fight halfway across the world: PRAYER.  Let us all approach God with the humility and confidence of King Hezekiah.  I have adapted his words from 2 Kings into a prayer we can all use to pray for Christians in Iraqi and to defeat the evil of ISIS.

"Lord, the God of all Christians and of Israel, enthroned between the cherubim, you alone are God over the entire earth.  You have made it all.  Listen to our prayer now, open your eyes to the violence; listen to the evil, hate filled words of the ISIS.  See how they have driven your people from their homes and destroyed cities that belonged to you.  See how they have committed brutal, unspeakable acts of violence.  They are shedding innocent blood, mocking your Holy Name.  Now, Lord our God, deliver your people from their evil hands, so that the whole world would know that you alone, Lord, are God. In Jesus Name, Amen."

Brothers and Sisters, let us pray fervently and ferociously for the Lord God to deliver His people and end the violence.

Matchmaker Monday: It may be weird, because normal is not working...

Wow.  I got a lot of response to last week's blog about profile pictures of men while online dating!  I had no idea it was going to be quite the subject when I wrote it!  Out of that post, I have had a lot of real life conversations about my actual approach to online dating, so I thought I would share what I was doing.  I will preface this post by saying that THIS WAY is how God is leading ME.  It may not be what God leads you to do.  That is where you pray and seek Him.  Also, if you aren't a Christ-Follower, all of this is going to sound weird.  But, as my pastor says, "We are going to be weird because normal isn't working."  For me, normal didn't work at all.

First off, I have to admit this:  I like to get my money's worth at all times.  If I pay for a meal and the quality is substandard, I probably will not visit your restaurant again.  If I buy a shirt and the threads come out of the seam quickly, well, I probably won't buy a shirt there again.  To me, if I am paying for something, and paying a higher dollar amount, I expect something for the money.  Now, online dating can be tricky because you can pay for something, but not have the desire result.  However, I do find it more reasonable to pay $35.00 a month for a service with about 5-7 good connections vs. $70.00 for no connections.  Now, because I've paid for a service, I feel like I should use the service.  Equal opportunity for me to wink, smile, and e-mail away.  I figured we are all in this together, so if I see someone I'm interested in, I'll take a bit of the initiative.  Men shouldn't be intimated or scared off, because again, we are BOTH paying for the service and I'm not going to let my service go unused if I'm just waiting for a man to contact me.

Since May that was my approach.  I did get a few responses, in fact, when I counted it up, I was "meeting" a new man every week for the past two months.  A lot more contact than normal, especially since I'm a kindergarten teacher and I have yet to meet a single man in my line of work.  (I mean one that is available for dating, not literally a single man.)  However, these connections usually fizzled out very quickly.  I was becoming frustrated and felt like I started to see the same people over and over.  And the other quality men I didn't initially contact were gone.  I took about a two week break, praying and seeking God on what to do next.

After much prayer, here is my approach.  It sounds radical and like I'm not getting my money's worth.  But I feel like it is allowing God to move in the way He wants.  And it is getting me to practice waiting on Him and trusting Him.  I have my profile up, it is active, but I'm not initiating.  I will wait for a wink, like, or email and then respond.  I'm not spending time searching for men, but rather waiting, and trusting if this is the way God has designed my husband to meet me, then it will happen.  I'll be honest, for some one who likes to do things and also likes getting their money's worth, it is difficult.  I want to log on and search, etc., just so I feel like I'm getting my $35.00 for the month.  However, like the verse in Isaiah, God tell us that His ways are higher.  I'm going to trust Him.  Plus, this removes me from the equation, so if something does happen, He gets 100% of the glory, as it should be.

Weird, right?  I know it is.  But I'm ok with standing out and being different.  And if I do meet someone this way, then as I said before, what a testimony to God working in my life.  And if I don't, then that is ok too.  God is still good and I will have learned to go deeper in my trust.

  

Matchmaker Monday: Online Dating Photo Quiz!

I've been involved with two well known online dating sites since May.  Which now has given me enough material for a few of these Matchmaker Mondays. :-)

Today I want to talk about men and their profile pictures.  As I've read over all these profiles for the past few months, I have fully come to understand the old cliche, a picture is worth 1000 words. You can write all the things to interest a woman, but if the pictures aren't there to back up what you are saying, then women are going to pass. Let's take a quiz below to see if your profile pictures are portraying the image you want:

1. A great head shot of you, perhaps taken by a friend or a timer feature. In said head shot, you are smiling, looking friendly. 500 points
2. Your head shot has you not smiling and looking like you need a Tums. (Also, pay attention to what is behind you in the head shot.  I've come across lots of profiles with dirty laundry, unmade beds, and crazy looking yards in the background.) -200 points
3. You have a nice picture of you with your family, especially if you have nieces and nephews. One of you playing with them at Christmas is fantastic. Women like men who are not afraid of children. 250 points.
4. You have an awkward family photo and your nieces and nephews look at you confused because you never talk to them and now you're taking a picture with them. They know you are just trying to use them to get women. Stop it. -100 per niece or nephew
5. There is A picture of you doing your favorite activities. You can run marathons, do mission work, scuba dive (BTW, apparently a lot of American men have waterproof cameras and they take pictures of themselves scuba diving. I thought the first one was a fluke, but I've now seen at least 15 profiles with the scuba dive picture.), play in a band, etc. Women like to see that you have a life. 100 points per picture per activity.
6. Now, if you have multiple pictures of you doing the same activity, a problem arises. Here is picture number 1 of you rock climbing in the Rockies because you said you liked to rock climb. But as I browse your profile I see seven more rock climbing pictures. Not to mention the five of you on a deer hunt, complete with the deer you finally got. Multiple pictures of you doing the same activity tell me you really, really, really love this activity.  But it gives me the impression that there isn't really a margin of time for a relationship in your life. -100 per picture of same activity.
7. Pictures of you with your friends. It is always nice to see a man hanging out with his people. Again, it's a great sign for women to see you enjoying everyday things and shows emotional health. We don't have to be worried that you are a future Dateline NBC story waiting to happen. 200 points
8. Now if the pictures include your ex, whether you have cropped her out, blurred her out, or just let it hang out there, that's not a "friend" we want to see you with. First, it makes us wonder if you are ready for a new relationship if you're still uploading pictures of the past. Second, it makes us wonder what happened if you all broke up. Instead of being interested, suddenly we are wondering "What is up with this guy?" -200 points
9. Photos of you on vacation are great!  Women like to know if you like to take a break from work, so it is fun to see you at the beach, in the forest, at national monuments, etc. 100 points per picture. BUT... If all of your vacation photos are shirtless with alcohol in your hand...-350 points per picture. Women are not interested in men who vacation like college spring breakers when you haven't seen the inside of a college classroom in the past five, ten, fifteen years. (Side note: This is not Facebook or Instagram.  Even if you saw an awesome sight, like a whale jumping out of the water in Alaska, please don't upload it to your dating profile.  We are on a dating site to get a preview of you, not see a picture that would make a great desktop background. -50 points per vacation shot that does not include you.)
10. FINALLY.... If you have a "selfie" picture of you in the bathroom mirror, regardless of your shirt on or off, you immediately need to take down your profile. Just don't do it. It makes you look like a total self absorbed jerk. Or that you have no friends to take your picture for you. Neither makes a woman say, "Hey, I think I want to date this guy because of his bathroom selfie." -All the points for online dating, even though the points don't matter.

Now men, it's your turn. What are photo cliches you have come across from us women? What photos and poses do we need to retire? What photos draw you in or scare you away? Sound off below!

Matchmaker Monday: When Singleness Is Hard

Being single is hard.  I'm not even going to try and sugar coat it.  It is hard when you are in high school and all of your friends except you had a prom date.  It is hard when you are in college and are constantly "friend-zoned."  (I've been there.  I'm the Emperoress of Friend-zone land.  Which kind of looks like Elsa's ice castle and I'm singing 'Let it Go' for a number of reasons.)  It is hard in your late twenties when EVERYONE is getting together with their special someone, whether through dating or marriage.  It is hard in your thirties when your friends are popping out babies faster than you can keep up.  (2014- A very fertile year for lots of people I know.) Being single is hard.

Why do I say that? Why am I pointing out how hard it is?  Well because sometimes I think that people don't acknowledge it.  Especially Christian people and friends.  I was reading Job out of the Message last week at a small group.  As we went through it, I noticed something about Job and his well meaning friends.  You see, Job was suffering great losses because of evil in the world.  Satan was trying to draw Job away from God by causing all kinds of loss.  In fact, it got to the point, Job just sat and mourned his state of life.  He didn't know that Satan was causing all the bad.  No, Job was clueless as to the part he was playing.  Job's friends heard about his suffering and came and silently mourned with him.  But after some time, they began to offer their advice, which sounds more like, "Hey Job, you must have done something to make God mad.  Figure out your sin, repent of it, and then you'll be restored."  Job kept listening to the advice and maintained he hadn't done anything wrong.  In fact, Job finally becomes frustrated and angry with God the more he listened to the council of his friends.

Now, I'm not equating singleness to the suffering of Job.  But I have encountered a lot of friends during my singleness that are like Job's friends.  They offer advice, which if you are single you've heard. "Well, be more content with Jesus.  Once you're satisfied in Him, your spouse will come into your life."  "Maybe if you went to another church where it was easier to meet people." "When I gave up and stopped looking, that is when it happened."  "Have you tried online dating?"  "What about set-ups?"  "Keep asking God, He will bless you with someone soon."  "Maybe God is trying to teach you something."  The list goes on.  You all could probably fill the comments section with well meaning but not the best advice.  Why do I say it isn't the best?  Because often times for singles, that advice can plant a seed where we can easily become frustrated and angry with God, just like Job.

Does that mean I want all my friends or family to leave me alone when it is hard?  No, probably the exact opposite.  I think what all single people desire when it gets hard is what Job's friends did first.  We just need you to sit and listen for a while.  Come over to our house and watch some TV with us.  Meet us for a run at the park.  Help us discover our favorite ice cream flavor.  And when it is really hard and we just need someone to cry with us for a moment, hand us a tissue.  Then, remind us, not of us, not of our situation, but instead, remind us of God's character.  Instead of advising our situation, remind us that we serve the Great I AM.  Remind us that God is a good and perfect father, giving us good and perfect gifts.  Remind us that God loved us so much that while we were still sinners God sent Jesus to die for us.  Remind us that God has a plan for us, one that will show the world of His Love. Remind us that while we may have trouble in this world, God will give us peace. The truth of WHO God is will carry us through the hard times.

So if you are single and it is hard right now, find someone or a few someones to sit with you in the hard time.  Point yourself back to the truth of God's character.  Spend sometime being honest with God.  It won't "magically" fix your situation, but it will fix your focus onto GREATER things.  And then you can walk forward into the hard times.