Releasing Control, Pt.5

    In 2012, I had my teaching career.   I enjoyed my team as well as the faculty on staff at the school I was employed with. I was starting to look at houses in the area thinking I could make some roots.  But God had other plans.  He opened the door to a job at a Christian private school, which has helped me to grow in so many ways.  It was a huge step of faith, but I know God has been with me all the way.  It definitely has been a green pasture for my soul. Then the money for the house had to go to all kinds of other things. 30 years old and living with my parents.  That was definitely not in my plans.  Now I am looking at this time as a gift.  I get to spend time with my parents, time I might not always have.  It has helped to understand the male psyche a bit (thanks Dad).  Apparently you can say whatever you want when ESPN is on TV because they are not listening.  Now I know the time to not ask important questions.

     During August, God was very clear that I needed to be still and wait on Him to bring my husband in my life.  That really didn't go over well at first, because to my logical mindset, how in the world would I meet anyone just waiting on God?  But over and over God was clear until I finally surrendered to His idea for my dating life in October.  It hasn't been easy, though, because at times I have wanted to lunge for the control again.  However, when I seek Him and focus on Him, it becomes easy to surrender and walk in His way, in His promises.

        There was a sermon in July that pretty much sums up the past eight months of letting go of control. It was by Pierre Du Plessis and in it he reminded me that I am more than dust, I am clay in the hands of the Supreme Potter. I have re-listened to it, taken more notes on it, and even mediated on the scriptures in it. I have had Jeremiah 18:6 posted on my nightstand since December. God has repeated this message as I am re-reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan.  It really is not all about me, what I think is best.  God's ways are higher than mine, and He loves me so much  He has plans things for my life that will allow me to glorify Him best.  I need to just stop and turn the control over to the One who is really the wisest about it all. Fortunately for me, God's grace covers me, taking my sin of control and removing it as far as the east is from the west.  It was a hard year of surrender to the Lord in 2012, but definitely a lesson I need to learn.  God is in control of all things in my life.

What I'm Listening to Wednesday

Going back to high school with this one...I so loved Kevin!! My favorite music video from back in the day..."I want it that way..."

Releasing Control, Pt.4

    As I mentioned yesterday, my need for control was a sin of addiction.  I felt like I slowly was broken of my need for control and then my 28th birthday happened.  That whole year I was keeping my eyes open to opportunities to meet the man has for me.  Back when I was 25, I was praying about why I couldn't meet the right guy and I really felt like God laid 28 on my heart.  However, that entire year, I just kept searching for the right person.  When my 29th birthday came calling, a huge overwhelming feeling came over me.  How could I feel like God make that promise to me, and yet it didn't happen?  Did this mean that I was supposed to be single forever?  Should I just give up on that God dream?  Working with God and submitting my dreams to Him was hard.  Especially when your friends and family are in happy committed relationships and you are left sitting there wondering why.  Towards the fall of 2011, I felt like God told me that I needed to step out and see what was out there in realm of dating.  Looking back on it, I feel that He wanted to allow me to trust Him that there is a good and perfect gift from Him out there, coming in His time.  At the same time, I know that He knew my heart and that I thought I could do better than Him, so He gave me the free will to test things out.  He knew that I needed room to fail, so to speak.  I tried a few avenues.  The person to person stuff didn't pan out, but I was more insulted by the fact I paid a hefty amount of money for a well known online dating site and when all was said and done, I could not be matched with anyone at all.  Not just in the United States.  In the world.  Are you kidding me?  I guess that should have been my clue that I am not in control of my dating life, but rather God is.  I refused to listen to the memo until last year, 2012, the year of surrender.

Releasing Control, Pt.3

Once I got the taste of what it was like to control things, I went super crazy in college.  I was one of those weirdos that took my degree plan and mapped it out to the last class I would ever need with no deviations after my sophomore year.  I honestly was probably the worst roommate ever because I would try to control how clean the living room and kitchen of where I lived all the time.  I had no grace for myself or others during this time.  God tried to show me that He was in control multiple times, but I was so thick-headed I didn't hear it.  First, He allowed Miss A to move away after sophomore year. That was not in my plan.  How was I going to survive my fellow old lady leaving?  While I was on a six week mission trip to Ukraine, my roommate informs me via e-mail (which mind you was not as reliable or instant as in 2013) that she is not returning to school that fall.  I scrambled for living arrangements.  That was not in my plan.  When I returned from the trip, I had gall bladder surgery and my grandma died within one month.  Those two things?  Really not in my plan for my college experience.  Then, when I felt like things were finally going to plan, the house I lived in got infested with skunks (So THAT'S why that cute guy in my Islam History class wouldn't talk to me...all my clothes were skunk scented.) and I found out that I had to graduate a semester early!  I literally ran out of classes to take!  So much for that degree mapping plan.

You would think that after all of that, the need for control would stop.  Instead, it intensified because I knew I didn't have it all together and I was struggling to maintain my grip on everything.  God continued to try and show me of my need to let Him control things while I was in graduate school.  However, it wasn't until I finished school completely God started to break my need for control by breaking my pride. I ended up taking a job that I thought was totally beneath me at the time.  I wanted a high paying job with a business card when I finished school and instead I ended up teaching preschool.  Nothing more humbling to pride than having to help a kid who pooped their pants.  It was one of the best God moments when I look back at it.  I worked with some amazing women who not only taught me how to better take care and educate kids in a Godly manner, but they also showed me what a real grace filled relationship with the Lord looks like.  I'll be forever grateful for that time there, and thankful God broke me of my pride and need to control so I could grow.

However, with any sin that is an addiction, it can just come roaring back and try to over take your life, and that is just what happens next.

Soulful Sunday

Mind-blowing to ponder...We are glorious because God makes everything glorious...

Saturday's List

This week's theme: Some of my Eucharisteo Gifts of 2013

1. Starting off the year by sleeping in until noon. (No, I didn't stay up late partying the night before.  I think 2012 was just that tiring!)
2. George, my little Italian Greyhound snuggling with me!
3. My new prayer journal for my future husband.  This is the second year I've been intentionally praying a verse over him weekly.  It has changed me for the better and I hope he is changed as well, even if I have to fill up ten of these journals before we meet! (I hope not...but who knows what God has planned.  :-) )
4. Thankful that I got to see a doctor and got on some new medicine to help out my stomach.
5. A free slice of cheese from the deli counter one day.
6. Catching re-runs of Reba's old sitcom on TV
7. White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Clif Bars.  Those things are delicious!!!  
8. Unexpected chai tea lattes from parents on a cold day while doing carpool duty.
9. Reminders that God's delays produce a greater way for Him to show His power on display!
10. The day I was running late for work and ended up avoiding getting trapped in a really bad wreck.
11. Seeing a beautiful sunrise with the most vibrant colors- if only I could paint with that power and majesty!  I just love the creative heart of God.
12. Watching the Veggie Tales, "Josh and the Big Wall" with my class...it also includes my favorite silly song "The Song of the Cebu."
13. Getting seven hours of sleep on a weeknight.  (I actually could probably do it every night, I'm just not that disciplined in that area. But I'm working on it.)
14. The sunlight making a prism in the sky in the twilight hours.
15. Apparently the ability to run and be relieved of stress and pray is important because it is in my journal multiple times.
16. My friend, Miss K's daughter, C, seeing the YouVersion reminder pop up on her phone and saying, "Mom, the Bible texted you!"
17. My letters from my Compassion kiddos!  I love reading about their lives in the Philippines and Ecuador.
18. Having a student say, "School is better than Chuckie Cheese and McDonalds because school is about God."
19. Fun panda slippers in the mail from Miss A.  They are so cozy and I haven't taken them off!
20. Psalm 103: 2-5

Releasing Control, Pt.2

     My first memory of wanting to control things is an unexpected one.  It is my Junior year of high school.   My drama friends, the ones I usually spend a majority of time with, all have prom dates to our Junior-Senior prom.  I was dateless.  I remember I was disappointed to not have a date, in fact I would say it was the first time I can remember praying for something and God didn't answer it in the way that I desired.  Some of my other friends didn't have dates either, and so we decided to be the cool girls and go as "independent women."  I wanted to have everything controlled and perfect so I wouldn't dwell on the fact I was flying solo.  I wanted the perfect dress, the perfect shoes, the perfect make-up, and the perfect hair.  I wanted to have the most fun at the prom with my friends so I would forget that I was hurt I didn't have a date.
     Despite all the plans I made to control the perfect evening, I couldn't control the moment when my ladies both got asked to dance and I sat alone at a table.  I couldn't control the feelings of sadness and disappointment that washed over me.  My perfect fun night with my friends went out of my control and I was  sitting there, wishing to be anywhere else.
     That night changed how I viewed things in my life.  When things slipped out of my control that night, it awakened a need in me to begin to control as much as I could of my life. I wanted the control.  I didn't like uncertainty. Open yourself up to new things, take a risk, and in the end, you can't control what you feel.  I never wanted to be in that situation again.  I wanted to control everything, including my feelings to avoid disappointment and pain again.  Slowly, brick by brick, the walls were starting to be built around my heart.  The next year, instead of going to my senior prom, I had a "Friends" TV night with one of my BFFs, Miss M.  We watched certain episodes of Friends that we loved.  We ate pizza that we loved.  We drank root beer that we knew tasted good.  There were no surprises about that night.  Instead we had a night of well controlled fun.
     Because Miss M and I had so much fun (we did, really), it gave me the false confidence that when I control things my life is better.  And that is how I started my journey to a controlaholic.

Releasing Control, Pt.1

Confession.  I really don't want to blog about my need for control.  I really don't.  I really don't want to admit that I have this huge need to control things and if it doesn't go a certain way, well then be prepared.  I will let you know I'm disappointed, either by crying or a surge of anger.  However, last Sunday at church I was TOTALLY convicted of my need to control.  I'm in the process of repenting, and in doing that, I felt God call me to confess of my issue and to stop hiding behind my walls.

Currently at church, Pastor Groeschel is teaching on how to lay ourselves down on the altar of God.  I knew that this past Sunday was going to be about how control freaks need to release the control back over to God.  Knowing I have had an issue with controlling things, I knew this message was going to be a challenging one.  However, by the end of church I totally felt like the wind was knocked out of me.  I've never been more convicted of a sin that I have let grow within me.  So, for the next few blogs, walk with me as I try and be open about releasing control over my life back to the One to who it belongs to, God.  I want to be open and transparent as possible about this journey, so brace yourselves, because it is about to get real on here.  I'm letting go of my white washed tomb walls and taking you inside to where it is stinky, dark, and not life giving.  In this journey, I hope that you will see God's grace in action and embrace it for your own life as well.  

What I'm Listening to Wednesday

My favorite Mumford and Sons song... "But a brush with the Devil can clear your mind and strengthen your spine."

"Good Bible Study" Christian Girl

Philippians 3: 4-11
If someone else thinks they have reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: 5 circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; 6 as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless.

7 But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8 What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in[a] Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. 10 I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

I've lived my life as the "good-Bible Study" Christian girl.  According to Christian Legalism, I've dotted every i and crossed every t.  I've never done drugs or smoked.  I've kept my promise that I made to God on my True Love Waits Card.  I have never lived the "Girls Gone Wild" lifestyle.  I did these things thinking that God would love me more than anyone and I would be covered with His favor and blessings.  But I know now that all those things are pure trash.  They are fluff in God's eyes.  I come to the cross as my true self, one who is insecure, prideful, frustrated from trying to control, and independent.  I come as the person who hides her heart away so it doesn't get hurt.  I come as the person who can be afraid to make a decision because of the fear of doing the wrong thing.  When I come to Christ in this manner, and present to Him, not my good works, but my brokenness, I truly experience His love in a deep way. I know He loves me for who I am, the person he formed in my mother's womb 30 years ago.  He has great plans for me, a future that is more than I could ever dream to imagine.  My heart becomes full as I allow His sweet words to heal my hurts and my pain.  My eyes become open  to His power and blessings in my everyday life.  I can sit in His presence and not worry that I'm being that "good-Bible Study" girl.  I can draw on His strength everyday and watch him do the impossible in my life.  Our God is that great and wonderful and powerful and is using everyday to help us become more like Him.

What Does Being a Christian Mean?

     A Christian wakes up in the morning, knowing that the only way to make it through the day is to open their heart and hands to the Lord.  The words that come from their lips are "I commit this day to You, God.  I can only live it by relying on Christ's strength in me."  The Christian's eyes and ears are open to the gifts of love and grace from God.  Eucharisteo is bubbling from their lips, the praise overflowing from their entire body.  The soul is turned to God, seeking Him.  Even though there may be sin or life's heartaches causing doubt and pain, the Christian knows to return back to the Lord and accepts His loving grace.  It is within the Christian's being the word pursuit is etched, for God is always pursuing the Christian and the Christian cannot help but to respond by pursuing God in return.  The need for control is turned over to the Lord, and the Christian trusts whatever happens in the present is what God has intended.  There is no shame by holding onto the past nor fear of what the future holds.  The Christian looks at themselves as a free being and desires to set others free from sin.  The Christian loves others, even when there is a right to stay angry or offended.  The Christian loves in a way that the world around them says that they are insane.  Entitlement is not on the hearts of a Christian, but rather humility and service.  At night, the Christian is not awake with problems or concerns, but lays their head down on the pillow while talking to their Father as they fall asleep in His arms, knowing their God is not one who sleeps.

     What does being a Christian mean to you?

Soulful Sunday

Whoa. Heard this song and this lyrics describe it all: "Okay I really don't like change but I can't stop it, I'm moving forward anyway with the promise, You are my anchor for my soul, That's all I need to know, That's all I need to know. You're my constant in every moment, Constant, You've never failed me, All my life, You have never left my side, You are my constant."

Saturday's List

This week's theme: funny commericals!

1. A job that Pastor Craig Groeschel won't be applying for:

2. When you think life  is over:


3. Babies.  Hip-hop.  Need I say more?



4. And these last two....loved them back in the day and still today...

Destruction leads to Destiny...at least I'm hoping!

Last week, I was listening to some worship music and heard the word destruction in it. It hit me like a paper cut on a sensitive part of your hand. The idea was there, stinging in my soul.

Fast forward to a few hours later and I found myself facing an overwhelming situation. I was trying to figure things out on my own and how to solve it. But I couldn't. It is embarrassing to me because it is clear I cannot depend on myself to get me out of this situation. Which is frustrating for me. I've always wanted to be an independent woman where I was not indebted to anyone. Instead, I'm now asking for help from others in all areas of my life: relational, financial, spiritual, and mental. I'm admitting to others slowly and surely that "I'm tired, I'm worn. I cannot do this without your help." I cried and cried and cried. As I was going to bed that night, I saw a very encouraging post by my church's youth pastor's wife. At the end, she quoted Psalm 37:4, which I have seen everywhere this year. EVERYWHERE. I opened up my Bible and turned to read that Psalm again, when I saw this wonderful card Miss LE gave me a few months ago, marking that scripture. God can take these impossible situations I'm facing and change them as long as I trust Him and wait patiently for Him to act. This destruction I am going through is leading to my destiny. I know on the other side of this, I will be dependent on God and his love and grace and not have an  independent spirit built on fear and pride. Even though I feel like I have a giant spiritual paper cut, I know that God is working all things together for my good. So even though it hurts, let the walls crumble Lord, for I know that through this I will become more like You.

Pursued by Love

One of my favorite books is Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. I read it back as a freshman in high school, loving the determined pursuit of Elizabeth's heart by Mr. Darcy.  He gently wins her heart by being a servant and loving her despite the fact both were very prideful to one another.

Lately, God has been reminding me of my own selfish pride. I was reading Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer. She says, "...impatience is the fruit of pride." I was blown away by conviction of the root of my impatience. I am impatient because I am not trusting in the Lord's timing and due to my pride, think I know better. My flesh wants to be a "do"er, while God is asking me to be a "wait"er. If I wait on His timing, He will give me what is the best for me.

Back to P&P. God has also been very clear to me that he wants me to learn how to be pursued. He wants me to accept it when He chases after me with His great love. The only way that can happen is if I lay down my pride and humble my heart. Then God can pursue me on a deeper level and continue to gently win my heart each day,  Imagine that,  the Servant King, always loving me purely and covering me with grace. Sounds too good to be true.  I'll admit, my pride doesn't want to allow myself to be pursued, especially by God because I think I don't deserve it.  It is true that I don't...BUT GOD wants me.   He wants me more than I could ask or imagine.  With that,  God has been also very clear to me that as I learn to be pursued by Him, it will open the way in my heart for that Godly warrior He is preparing for me to do life with.  God has shown me that I can't be pursued by my future two if I am not even letting God in all my heart.  So, I lay me down, take away my pride...pursue me Lord, pursue me. I will wait for You each morning and evening.  Let me be surrounded in your amazing love.

What I'm Listening to Wednesday

In honor of Valentine's Day tomorrow... To Whom it May Concern, I'm still waiting patiently...

Generosity..It Is Contagious..Pass It On!

Coolest thing happened at tutoring last night!  And I found it even more awesome since one of my words this year is eucharisteo...thanksgiving.  You see, I've found myself being more generous with myself, my time, and my resources as I am more thankful to God.  He constantly gives me blessing after blessing each day, and that makes me want to be more generous in return.  I want to be the blessing.  This 6th grade boy showed me that he could be the blessing too.

We had a new little guy last night.  He said he was 7 years old...and stayed at the tutoring center from 3:30 until we closed at 7:30.  That is a LONG time for a 7 year old.  LONG time.  The last  hour I worked with him and Mr. Generous.  Poor little guy was struggling, tired and worn out.  His attention and confident in himself was waning.  I tried to reward him with extra tokens so at the end he could go to the reward store and buy himself something nice for all of his hard work.  Little guy went over to the store with the help of Mr. Generous to pick something out, but he just didn't have enough tokens.  I was going to encourage little guy to get something small for all of his hard work for the day when Mr. Generous said he would buy him something out of his stack of tokens.  He said he had more than enough and he would like to do that for little guy.  Well, I couldn't say no to that act of generosity  the act of being a blessing to other in return, the act of eucharisteo in action.  I said that was a great idea.  So Mr. Generous bought little guy a light up top that made his face light up.  In fact, by the time we all left, everyone's faces were lit up with smiles!  And that random act of kindness will stay with me this week...I'll have my heart and eyes open to how I can be that generous with someone else...God is so good!

Changing 600 years of tradition!

The old religious studies major in me couldn't resist the opportunity to comment on the recent Papal Resignation.  I could hardly believe my Twitter feed this morning.  Then I thought about the YouVersion verse of the day:
     Proverbs 16:3- Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.

I got in the car for my morning drive and then heard the KLOVE verse:
      Proverbs 3:6-6 Seek his will in all you do,  and he will show you which path to take.

I started to think about Pope Benedict XVI's stint as the leader for the Catholic Church in the context of these verses.  He had a big reputation to follow after one of the most beloved and longest popes, Pope John Paul II.  It would be a hard role to fill.  I believe that Pope Benedict XVI committed his papacy to the Lord.  For outsiders, it may be hard to see that he was a success, but I know for many conservative Catholics, and the Catholic Church as a whole, he helped to hold the church together and redirect the church in the face of negativity and naysayers.  Perhaps success isn't always what we think in our minds.  God's success might just look completely different.  Obviously, Pope Benedict knew his age and health would play a factor in guiding the Catholic Church, so he sought God and God showed him a different path to take, one that has not been taken in 600 years! Talk about stepping out in faith and walking on God's path.  Here is a man who knows that this is not the "normal" path to take.  Instead of letting tradition dictate where he should go, he let God show him, and is resigning.

I thought about this more in light of my journey to dependence on God.  Could I wake up every morning and commit my plans and actions to the Lord?  Could I commit them even they were radically different from what others expected?  Could I commit them, knowing that the success of them might come in the form of eternal success, not temporal success?  Could I seek God so deeply that if He leads me on an unexpected path, I could yield and follow what He has shown me?  After all, its not like I would be breaking against 600 years of tradition, is it? :-)

 Lord, let me be this committed and this bold for you.  Let me step out and commit all I do to you, no matter if it looks different than everyone else around me.

Soulful Sunday

Last September, I had the joy of seeing All Sons and Daughters with Kari Jobe when they were in Oklahoma City for a worship night. So, so good. I loved worshiping God to their music, especially this song. We are all made beautiful, even those broken places we try to hide. Thank you Jesus, I am a sinner, if its not one thing its another. Thank you that you love me and have made me beautiful.

Saturday's List

This week's list is based around funny stuff:

1. On Stuffed Animal Day at school, the kiddos were playing with their animals wildly and I said, "Those stuffed animals are hyper. We may have to put them away." A boy in my class said, "Maybe they should take their medicine to calm down."
2. Some of the kids I tutor are hilarious! There is a 4th grade boy who has a crush on an older 6th grade girl...his "line" was to point at her purity ring and say, "I like your ring, are you married?" You go little man, you get that older woman.
3. Speaking of those hilarious kids, one little guy walked in with some new KD high tops and said, "I got new shoes. Do you even know who Kevin Durant is?"
4. Yesterday was Fun Friday Centers, and the kids had a great time making stuff for February. In the midst of the organized chaos and hoopla, a boy came running up to me and said, "Miss L, I know I just went to the bathroom, but I need you to believe me, I have to go poop." Go, go. I believe you. It cracks me up at the lack of filters kindergarteners have sometimes.
5. Driving around OKC with Miss LE and singing and car dancing to the great hits of the 90s. Let's just say we rocked out to some Destiny's Child..."Call AOL and make my email stop..."
6. Laughing today at lunch with Miss LE and Miss J. It's good to have friends that make you smile and also tolerate your quirks. Especially if you suggest that a giant bottle of hot sauce would make a great mantel piece.
7. Cracking up when I visited another classroom this week, and I get hugs from kids that normally don't say two words to anyone. One of them I think I formed a bond with one day when I told him that I knew not only who Clark Kent/ Superman is, but I dressed up like Supergirl for Halloween. The other I guess just needed to tell me he was going to the dentist. Kids are so strange! But I love it!
8. Finding out that your dog can too have prescription medication at Wal-Mart. Hilarious.
9. Laughing at how I had plans for my day and God totally interrupted them. Joy instead of complaining, it's all for His Glory, right?
10. Christian Amish Romance novels. Why is this even a genre? Come on, are the Amish even allowed to date?!?

Grace, what have you done?

"As Scripture repeatedly reminds us, He brings His mighty hand down over our lives and presses His sovereign fingers into areas where it hurts.  We sigh, we squirm, we struggle, and (hopefully) we lay hold of grace and finally submit.  What blessed submission!  It is in those hurting areas where we cannot  handle it on our own that God does His very best work."- Charles Swindoll, The Grace Awakening

   I messed up last year when I was praying.  I had a promise from God laid on my heart and instead of waiting on His time and His way for that promise to be fulfilled, I thought it should mean that the promise would happen right now.  An attitude like Veruca Salt, spoiled and demanding.  The prayer for the promise became all-consuming, an idol of sorts.  When the promise wasn't fulfilled the way I thought or expected, I became angry and hurt.  How could God, if He is the good and faithful one, do that?  Why didn't He act the way I thought?  Through wise council, going back and reading what I originally wrote in my prayer journal before I went off on my Golden Calf tangent, and SEEKING GOD, I realized that while the promise itself is not bad, I screwed up by anticipating it too soon and completely praying outside the will of God. As Christine Caine once said, "There is a time for anointed and appointment.  Sometimes there is a delay between the anointing and the appointing." (Makes me think of Abraham, Joesph, and David.  The Word is filled with promises followed by waiting.Oh how I forgot...) God gave me GRACE as soon as I repented.  I however, have not been so graceful to myself.  I've been trying to hide my hurt and my shame from God because I haven't wanted to accept His GRACE for my mistake.  I have wanted to reject the promise, reject the ordained time for the promise, and reject that God gives perfect gifts because my pride doesn't want to admit that I made a mistake.  My pride doesn't want to accept the grace of the promise because I feel like I know better than God and I shouldn't get the good stuff if I am continually creating bad stuff.  But God, (I told you I love these words), has been on an endless pursuit for my heart. He wants all of it, including the parts I've hurt with my own selfishness and pride.  I have struggled, I have squirmed, but I am finally starting the submission to God.  He will take my hurt and heal it.  He will take my sin and forget it.  He will take my promise, and one day, in His right time, He will bless me with it.  Yes, I don't deserve it, in fact, I don't even deserve the relationship and  salvation I have with God.  But God loves us so much more.  Not only did He give us His son on the cross, but He also continues to heap blessing upon blessing on us. 

 God, take my hurting heart and my selfish pride.  Help me to be caught up in the rhythms of  Your Grace.  Create in me a clean heart so I can do your work.  I cannot do this on my own.

 In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Tunes on Thursday

Normally I am not planning to post music videos on Thursdays, however I HAD to make the exception! This song encapsulates my journey of GRACE this week...so beautiful! I cannot wait for the new album!

What I'm Listening to Wednesday

Spotify recommended Lumineers this summer, and I'm so glad they're getting all this attention. Its great music that makes me think of my grad school years in lovely, quirky Lawrence, Kansas. Oh how I miss artsy little towns with music like this!

If You Want To Steal My Show...

When you are dependent on someone, it can be a good thing or a bad thing. Too little dependence and the relationship suffers because people feel unwanted. Too much dependence and the relationship suffers because people feel suffocated. There has to be a fine balance between the two in order for the relationship to work.

The same rule applies with God. When don't depend enough on Him, we can find ourselves adrift or in a whole heap of trouble. We can be critical of His goodness for us and not trust His will above our own. When we buy into legalism and fear, creating an unhealthy sense of dependency, we don't take steps of faith or accept grace because we are too worried we will make a wrong move.

When we depend on God in a healthy manner, we look to him for guidance in life. We trust that His will and ways of accomplishing that are better than our ways. We trust Him to interrupt and steal our shows if that benefits the kingdom of God. We don't live in fear of messing up because we know that His grace will cover our mistakes and His love will never run out on us.

Do I trust God or not?

     The Bible is filled with stories of humanity putting their trust in God.  It all sounds so awesome because most of the time, we see the people making choices to trust God and then God delivers.  However, I've found my trust journey to be a little more grey than black and white.
     I have been blessed to work with some very wise women this year, the wisest one being Mrs. A.  Mrs. A is an awesome teacher has has great classroom advice.  But even more than that, she is a great council and example of a Christian woman.  During a lunch with her one day back in January, she was telling our team that it all goes back to this question, "Do I trust God or not?"  She said she uses this simple question to remind herself of where and who she trusts in, even if she is facing physical harm like a giant angry pit bull.
     I'm a recovering chronic worrier.  Mrs. A's question, "Do I trust God or not?" has helped me to lay down my worrying thoughts.  When I have been confronted with a fear or start to worry about something that is completely out of my control, I stop and ask myself that question.  For example, I tried to get a flu vaccination when I went to the doctor two weeks ago.  However, they were out.  Which isn't great when you teach and the children have been more than generous in sharing the flu among themselves.  I started to panic that I was going to get the flu when the question came to mind: "Do I trust God or not?  Will He not take care of me so I can stay healthy? Or if I do get sick, will He not take care of me then?"  I had to stop worrying, say a prayer asking God to protect me from getting sick, thanking Him for taking care of me, and then move on.  If I trust Him, then there is no sense in me spending my time worrying.  After all, He has given me that time to use for Him wisely, and I'm not going to squander it in an anxious whirlwind.  Do I trust God or not?  Do you  trust God or not?

Godincindence, Chapter 1

I love what I call "Godincidences."  They are moments from God that I think others would say are random accidents,  but to me, some one that believes God is involved in every moment of our life, the are intimate moments from God to me.  Last week, I had a really great one when I left work.  I was a ball full of worry, and I looked over to a tree and it was filled with cardinals.  Immediately the Matthew 6 passage came to mind.  Why should I worry when God is taking care of those birds?

Yesterday at church, I had one of my favorite type of Godincidence: a people one.  I was standing in the lobby when this little old man came up to me, grabbed me by the shoulders, and said, "Young lady, you go out there and have the best week ever!"  Ok, little old man, you bet.  I'm off on my adventure to have the best week ever in Jesus! Are you ready for your best week ever?

Soulful Sunday

This is the song of my heart right now.  I just can't listen to it while driving because its not safe to have holy hands and close your eyes while on the highway at 70 miles per hour. :-)

Eucharisteo. What is it?

     Eucharisteo. This word came into my life last November through Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts. I had heard about her story and the challenge to make a list of daily thanks to God. I started a list last July, but it wasn't until I read Ann's book that a seed planted deeply to start to produce an attitude of gratitude.
     The Greek word eucharisteo means thanksgiving and encompasses grace and joy. A powerful word God demonstrates over and over in His word. We are to live in the present moment, live with the I AM now. We turn our eyes upward to The Lord instead of downward on ourselves. It allows us to see His daily grace for life and enables us in return to give grace to others. Ann challenges the reader to go on their own joy dare, searching for eucharisteo, searching for a deeper relationship with God. The question you may ask yourself: Does it work? Does collecting gifts, being aware of the here and now of God's goodness change your life for the better? As Ann says, "Does thanksgiving really proceed the miracle?" I'm here to say that I'm only one month in as an intentional gift collector, but I know my life is better. I know thanksgiving proceeds the miracle.
     It's an exciting time for my family right now. My younger sister, The Nurse, is getting married! She is over the moon happy! I'm excited that she has such a good person to spend her life with. Lately, we have bridal faired, dress shopped, planned, and talked about how to make her special day come together.  I was worried that through all of this, I would wallow in self-pity. You see, if things were going according to my plan, I would have been married for two years. Instead, I'm not married or even dating anyone. Ungrateful Amy would be bitter and filled with jealousy. Ungrateful Amy would have complained it wasn't fair her younger sister was getting married first.

     Instead, The Gift Searcher Amy, the one seeking God's goodness everyday, is  happy for The Nurse. Last weekend we found her dress, and let me tell you she looks so fabulous and grown-up! Not to mention radiating with joy! She is bursting with excitement! The Gift Searcher Amy can honestly rejoice with her! I am so thankful for her and her future husband. I can't wait to see all the wonderful things God has in store for them.

      In all this thanksgiving, the miracle has happened; I am no longer that jealous, panicked person whose life is not going to her plan. No, now I'm praising God for The Nurse's happiness and resting in the promise that I know that He has a plan for me and it does include an "Ephesians 3:20" man in His time, way, and place.
     If you are facing hard times, I encourage you to look upward, give thanks in the storm, and let The Lord change your heart and life. Thanksgiving does proceed the miracle.
     Here's the special couple! Look how adorable they are! Can't wait for June 29th! Love you so much sister!!

Three Words, Just Three Words

   Eucharisteo.  Trust.  Dependence.  These are the three words God has given me for this year of 2013.  These words are my focus, my vision, my guidelines to all that God wants to do within me.  Are these words easy?  No, in fact, if I would have my way, I would pick three different words to allow me to guide my vision this next year.  They are growing words, words that are filled with change, words that scream to me that my life will be different by the end of 2013.  Am I comfortable with that?  No.  I'll admit, I don't like change.  I don't like risk.  I don't like chance.  Call me guarded, hidden, a fortress.  Whatever you chose, I know that you are right.  I do have walls, I do have mistrust in my heart, I do have places I want to keep hidden and secret.  I want to depend on myself only because I have a suspicious eye towards others.  I have known the bitter taste of rejection.  I have known the part of you heart that when it gets hurt, it feels like skin has rubbed away and you walk around with a gaping wound.  I have known the disappointment.  I have known the spirit of envy and entitlement.  I have even known to be so stubborn I'll move a 200 pound TV alone, without any help.  

   But God, which are some of the most lovely words in His scriptures, has a different plan for me.  He wants me to turn to Him.  To give Him all of me, to let Him in all the places I try to hide.  He want me to unfurl my fists of disappointment and heartache and have open hands of thanksgiving and praise.  He wants me to trust in His promises, trust Him that He is a good and perfect gift to my wounded heart, and of course to trust that His ways are much better than mine.  He wants me to surrender my dreams and expectations to trust His dreams and expectations for my life.  He wants me to stop trying to rely on my own strength to battle through each day, and instead wake up ready to drawn upon His strength, so at the end of the day I can say, "I've accomplished today only by HIS GRACE."

   During the first 21 days of January, I felt called to fast from social media.  I knew God wanted me to speak to me about these words, speak to me about some promises, and just speak to me in general.  While I love social media and find it useful, I know that it had become a conglomeration of white noise that was supporting my walls.  I'll be honest, I expected that the more time I spend with God, the more God might speak words to be that didn't call for so much openness.  I expected Him to guide me in a particular direction and instead I found myself going in a completely different way, in His way.  The annoyance I felt at a change in my plans led to arguments and running from my daily quiet times.  But, as any wise person in the Lord will tell you, as soon as I ceded and waved the white flag, peace that passes understanding filled my heart.  

  These words, eucharisteo, which means thanksgiving, trust, and dependence are dangerous words.  They are calling for me to be ready for all that God wants to do with me in my life.  The dangerous words are asking me if I can be like Mary and say, "I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you say."  Even though I may appear to succeed in these three ways this year, I know it will be with only God's grace covering me.  So, in the call to be open with others, won't you please join this stubborn, selfish, suspicious princess as she is transformed into a grateful, trusting, dependent princess?