It is Radiant Shades of Black, White, and Gray

God definitely is continuing teaching me about His sovereignty over all. Last year, He placed quite a few circumstances to help me see things are not always defined in black and white terms, but more often black, white, and gray.  Because of this, and because I often miss the gray area when thinking, I decided to capture any picture that I take for Instagram this year in black and white. I haven't taken many this year, but each time I do, I notice so many variations and nuances in black, white, and gray. Sometimes the images look so different and I see details I would have missed had the image stayed in full color. 

Life is like that for me. If you look at the picture above, I was using these items to begin a new art project. I was experimenting with using some different materials and new ways to manipulate the materials. After I finished, I was frustrated because it didn't look anything like I anticipated. I felt like the project was a failure. I was angry because I wasted time experimenting when I could have made progress on the actual project.  I should have just stuck to what I knew how to do.  After leaving the papers on the floor for a while, I came back and snapped a picture of the pile. I turned the image into black and white and my perspective changed. I could see where I shaded better. I could see the graphic impact of the design better. I could also see where I could improve and modify to create more of what I desired. Instead of feeling like a failure, I saw where I could make changes and go forward in learning.  By seeing the radiant shades of gray, I saw that it was ok that I tried something new. It allowed me to grow in my artistic abilities.

God allows circumstances to come into our lives. Instead of seeing them as black and white, failure or success, maybe it is time to view the circumstances through the radiant shades of gray. What was good about that experience? Where did we grow? What can we take forward with us? I'm reminded of a conversation I had with some of my single friends a few months ago. We were talking about God bringing dating situations into our lives and it not working out like we hoped. One friend made a very profound statement. She said that while meeting this man for coffee could be viewed as another failed attempt in dating, it actually opened her eyes to how mature a Christian man could be, and that is what she was looking for in life. She didn't see the coffee date as black or white, but saw the truth through the radiant shades of gray. Her perspective helped me view my circumstances in a different way. I may think this friendship failure, or this way of teaching math failed, but instead I need to look at the radiant shades of gray and learn.

Where do you need a little radiant shades of gray perspective today? Take a moment and reflect on those things you feel are either successes or failures. Process them with grace and find where you can take those lessons with you into the future.

Halloween...to Celebrate or Not...

     When I became a Christian at 7, I didn't want to celebrate Halloween next year. As a kid, I never really liked the fear factor associated with the holiday. However, my family never celebrated with the gore of the holiday and my parents were very careful to guard my sister and me from that part of Halloween, so I continued with celebrating it.

     As I've gotten older, I've definitely felt conflicted about the holiday. I don't do zombies, vampires, witches, etc. Part of it is because I do have a very sensitive spirit and that stuff bothers me a lot. Part of it is that I know all of it is make-believe and I find it silly. (I know, this may seem conflicting with my love for Narnia and Middle Earth. But to me that's different. I can't explain it. I can read about Bilbo fighting giant spiders and not be affected. I see the sign for Frontier City's fright fest and I have bad dreams. I'm not sure what the difference is, but there is one for me.) Anyway, I've been trying to find the truth on this holiday. Can I celebrate it? Should I celebrate it? As I have read more about grace filled, holy living, the tension existed even more for me. 

     I was praying about what to do. I decided to google it to see what other Christians believe and why. I found a homeschooling mom who explained why her family doesn't celebrate the holiday. I thought, hmmm, ok, maybe I shouldn't celebrate it, even though that felt legalistic to me. I scrolled down to the comments and this other mom had a really amazing answer. She started off by saying that we have to remember Oct.31 belongs to The Lord. If we truly believe He is Lord over all, then we should believe that satan DOES NOT get a day. I totally agree. Sorry, I'm REALLY NOT SORRY,  satan, you've already been defeated at the cross. You don't get a holiday. My God is the creator and maker of all the days, and He created Oct.31. She then went on to tell about how her family celebrates. They pass out candy with a verse attached to it that says how we don't have to be afraid because God is with us. She and her husband make paper lanterns that line their walk way with verses about Jesus being the light of the world. They view the opportunity of people taking their children trick or treating as a time to really witness about Jesus to their neighborhood. I really liked that they were taking an offensive approach to the darkness that surrounds Halloween. They have decided that they are going to have the truth made known.  I love it!  I know it can seem "Jesus-Juke-y."  However, I see it as a way to begin to plant seeds and reach people for Jesus who otherwise might not be open to it. Plus, I love the attitude of standing firm in what you believe. Let's not run and hide from the darkness, but instead use it as a tool to bring the Light into the darkness.

     So where do I fall on the issue? For me, I'm going to continue to celebrate it. But this year, I'm definitely having a fresh perspective. I'm going to carve a couple of pumpkins: one with John 3:16 on it, and the other with "Jesus is the Light of the World" on it. I'm going to get some card stock and print off a verse on it to hand out with candy. Instead of sending a message of darkness or scary things, I will send a message of Light and Love.

     Now, I do not say these things to bring to mind judgement to you. I'm saying as a Christian, I had to seek The Lord on what I felt comfortable in my relationship. Perhaps for you, you can celebrate with all the aforementioned things and it's not a big deal. Maybe for your family it is not a day you even want to be a part of in the slightest way. That's ok. That is where grace comes in. We seek God on these issues and what is right for us and His Grace covers all the in between. Whatever you do or don't do on this holiday, remember that we should do it all for the glory of God to make His name known...and that is just not only on Halloween, but also everyday of our lives. 

Honey is delicious!!!

Raise your hand if you love honey.  Me too.  Just like that silly old Winnie-the-Pooh Bear, I love honey.  My favorite way to eat honey is with peanut butter on a sandwich.  I love that over a PB&J any day.  (But not a PB& banana...that is my favorite...Ok, off this rabbit trail about sandwiches...) The Bible talks a lot about honey.  A lot.  I'm taking it as a great sign that my eternal destination will be filled with lots of this delicious food.  A verse that I read in my quiet time yesterday, really stuck to my heart.  I think part of it came because of a great chapel over the importance of words this past school year.  The other part came from a place of conviction which then pointed me in the right direction.  The verse is Proverbs 16:24- Kind words are like honey- sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.  Wow.  Look at the power of words.  If they are kind, they are sweet to our souls.  And we all know that kind words help us by having a healthy self-image.  Because the chapel this year focused on speaking the kind words to others, I've thought about that verse in the way I relate to others.  Can I say something to encourage?  If I feel a prompting to send someone a kind text message or email that day, can I do it?  What if I sent a fun and caring card to a friend I haven't talked to in a long time?  All of that is important.  But reading Proverbes 16:24 yesterday morning, hit another chord after meeting with some of my lifegroup for a prayer night the night before.

You see, just like what several of us shared, I have struggled with negative self-talk as long as I can remember.  I can remember thinking such negative thoughts about myself that I went down the road of eating disorders and depression.  After years of therapy, prayer, and digging into God's word, I know the truth about myself through Jesus' perspective.  I felt sad when I realized I've deprived myself of sweetness and health for many years.  I do try very hard to take those negative thoughts captive to break that chain and walk away from that lifestyle.  However, when life starts to get rough, guess what rears its ugly self again?  Yup, you guessed it.  Those words that are bitter and sick to the body.  I know when I find myself under stress it is hard to feel positive.  And the first place those positive thoughts flee from are about myself.  Another awesome pastor, Pete Wilson, wrote this great book called Plan B, which changed my perspective about life when I read it during the summer of 2010.  In it, he stated that when we are tired, the devil just takes it as an opportunity to attack because we won't feel like putting up the fight.  Truer words were never spoken.  I haven't been sleeping that well for the past month, so I do feel tired.  And when I'm tired, you probably have guessed it, I don't feel like a truth teller to myself.

My friends, I'm here to encourage you.  Let's stop the negative words to ourselves.  Let's stop thinking we aren't good enough at ______.  Refuse to entertain those words that kill and create sour spirits.  Instead, speak "honey" words to yourself today.  You are loved by the most high God.  You are a member of a Royal Priesthood.  He has equipped you with the strength you need for your day.  He knit you together inside your mother.  God has plans for you, he wants to give you that hope and that future that will exceed your imagination and prayers.  I know that I am going to give myself this little honey pep talk today, maybe even several times, to heal the wounds from the past few weeks.  Let's set ourselves free and feast on honey!

What I'm Listening to Wednesday

Ok, I'll admit.  I do like off the beaten path artists.  I enjoy some Florence and the Machine a lot.  I know they are not everyone's cup of tea or that even everyone has heard of them, but give this song a chance.  It spoke to me in so many ways as I am on this own personal journey.  Here are my favorite lines:  "Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa, and it's hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off, oh whoa.

'Cause I am done with my graceless heart, so tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart."  I am in the process of shaking the devil off my back.  I am finished with being graceless to myself and I'm starting over with looking at myself through God's grace and perspective.  "Shake it out, shake it out."

Holy Week: Who is Jesus?

   

Jesus by the Jesus Painter

 Today, I want to focus on Jesus' kindness.  Perhaps, through this story you can find yourself.  Perhaps you can see that you are not far from healing, even if it seems like you have been suffering a long time.  Where ever you may be, I pray that above all, you see Jesus' kindness in this encounter he had on earth.
      Before we get into Jesus's encounter, we have to have a brief Biblical history lesson.  I know, I know.  Total snoozefest for some of you.  But trust me, you have to KNOW in order to SEE.
      Women during the time of Jesus had very specific roles to play.  They were homemaker, wife, and  mother, which often made them the voiceless gender.  Jewish women were under very specific guidelines according to the laws given in Leviticus.  Because women experienced monthly bleeding through her periods or childbirth,  the laws provided a way for women to become clean again. Let’s read these laws in a paraphrase from the Message:
          Leviticus 15:19-30:  "When a woman has a discharge of blood, the impurity of her menstrual period lasts seven days. Anyone who touches her is unclean until evening. Everything on which she lies or sits during her period is unclean. Anyone who touches her bed or anything on which she sits must wash his clothes and bathe in water; he remains unclean until evening.   "If a man sleeps with her and her menstrual blood gets on him, he is unclean for seven days and every bed on which he lies becomes unclean. If a woman has a discharge of blood for many days, but not at the time of her monthly period, or has a discharge that continues beyond the time of her period, she is unclean the same as during the time of her period. Every bed on which she lies during the time of the discharge and everything on which she sits becomes unclean the same as in her monthly period. Anyone who touches these things becomes unclean and must wash his clothes and bathe in water; he remains unclean until evening. When she is cleansed from her discharge, she is to count off seven days; then she is clean. On the eighth day she is to take two doves or two pigeons and bring them to the priest at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting. The priest will offer one for an Absolution-Offering and the other for a Whole-Burnt-Offering. The priest will make atonement for her in the presence of God because of the discharge that made her unclean.”  
        Women would be considered unclean during the duration of a period, even if the blood did not touch anything.  By simply sitting on a mat or sleeping on her bed, those items were considered unclean and not to be touched by anyone wishing to remain pure.  To become clean again, both men and women would go to the mikvah, which is basically a shallow pool often near the temple and bathe.  Once a women’s period was over, or she finished her allotted time after childbirth, she would go to the mikvah to bathe and pray.  This action signaled to her family that she was clean again.  The places she sat upon are no longer unclean, she could go to temple, and her family could touch her.
     OK, so are we all caught up on our Jewish law?  Basically if a woman was bleeding, she was unclean, which meant that she was not a part of everyday society until she was clean once again.
     Which brings us to our story in Luke 8:40-48.  We find Jesus at a height in his popularity among the people.  Word had spread about this amazing religious teacher who spoke with such wisdom and also had the power to heal people from all kinds of conditions.  Jesus and his group were on their way to visit a family whose daughter was very sick, on the verge of death.  You can imagine the crowd surrounding him as he traveled, with people following, just desperate to get a glimpse of Jesus.  There was poor woman in the crowd who had lived a very isolated life for the past 12 years because she had a  bleeding condition that would make her unclean in society.  If she had a family before her condition, they probably did not have much contact.  Luke writes in verse 43 “that no one could heal her.” She probably had spent many years looking for someone to help her.  You can imagine that when she heard about Jesus, a hope was renewed.  She went to find Him, and knowing that he couldn't touch her because of the Law, she chooses to touch the edge of his clothing, hoping to finally be healed.  In response to her doing this, Jesus wants to know who touched Him because he felt his power heal her.  The women comes forward, probably very fearful that her secret would be exposed.  She explains what happened. Jesus, responds to her in KINDNESS!  He tells her that her faith has allowed her to be healed.  He then says she can go in Peace.  Jesus doesn't add to her shame, but has not only healed her physically, but emotionally as well.  She can now have a peaceful life. Remember, he is the PRINCE OF PEACE.   Jesus doesn't reject her for her uncleanliness nor get upset because she didn't follow the law in Leviticus.  He also doesn't let her encounter stop him from where he was going.  He doesn't stop and go to a mikvah because she touched him before continuing on his mission.  Jesus lets this interruption become an example of God’s kindness to all of us.
     Where do you need Jesus' kindness for your life?  Is there a wound you have been carrying around for the past twelve years?  Do you need to just reach out and touch Jesus?  Do it today.  He will show you love and kindness just like He did for the bleeding woman so many years ago.  He can heal you, just believe.

Holy Week: Who Is God?

Jesus by the Jesus Painter

     One of my favorite times of year is upon us.  I know that the majority of people get pumped up about Christmas, and while I do enjoy that holiday, Holy Week and Easter are my favorite.  Probably because I feel like that it is the one week of the year that TRUTH shines bright and you can't deny it.  Sure, you can try to cover it up by chocolate covered bunnies and savvy marketing, but you can't deny the truth:  Easter is a holiday that shows the world the truth about God.  This week, in honor of TRUTH, I'm devoting my blog to the love of my life.

    God laid on my heart a few weeks ago to journey through the book of Isaiah with Him.  Now Isaiah would not be my first choice for a quiet time study, but it is just blowing my mind away with truth about God and myself.  It definitely is re-calibrating my heart to the rhythms of His love and grace and providing my heart with some much needed healing.  Here are some truths that God has laid on my heart about who He is:

1. God is PURE (Isaiah 1:25).  When we sin, God is clear that He will clean us and purify us because that is His nature.  Sometimes that purification process involves God doing a purging of things in our lives.  While it can be painful to let go of sin habits that keep us separated from God, take comfort that the discipline will only make us more like Him.
2. God demands our UNDIVIDED hearts (Isaiah 2:22).  As the first commandment states, "You shall have no other Gods before god."  How easy it is to divide our hearts these days!  We may not do it with a carved statue that we bow down to, but it can subtly happen with our culture of busyness, comparison, and perfection.  We may be so focused on something else that we lose sight of our God, even if that thing we focus on is a good blessing from God.  God wants us to seek Him with our whole hearts.
3. God is a PROMISE KEEPER (Isaiah 3:10).  God makes promises to His people, and if we are faithful and obedient, He will bless us.  If you are going through a difficult time and you feel that God has forgotten you, take heart.  He has overcome the world and will reward your faithfulness.  Keep pressing onto Him even when it looks impossible.
4. God is HOLY and we are NOT (Isaiah 6:5).  When Isaiah comes into the full presence of God, he cannot keep from crying out about his uncleanliness.  Lately, I've found the more I've allowed God's presence into my heart, the more I feel absolutely wrecked.  I am not worthy of His lavish love.  But because of His Kindness, His Grace, I am made clean, just as Isaiah was, and can now stand in a relationship with THE HOLY GOD, even when I am not.
5. God is my SALVATION (Isaiah 12:2).  I love this verse so much!  It reminds me that God is my salvation...He has redeemed me for eternity.  The next line cuts right to all the worry and control I try to have over my life:  "I will trust and not be afraid."  If I can trust God with my eternal salvation, then I can trust Him no matter what life throws at me.  I can live my life outside of fear, because I know that God will take care of me.   

Thank You

Teaching kindergarten is often like herding cats. I never really know what goes into their little sponge minds or what they miss because there was something really really shiny on the floor to look at.

The past three weeks in Bible we have learned about Jesus' life on earth with His teachings and miracles to show He is the Son of God. Last week I introduced the idea of grace to the class, explaining it as the teaching manual did: God's kindness when we deserve punishment. The class seemed to really snatch the idea and run with it. I thought the only reason they did was because we have a little girl with that name in our class.

Fast forward to yesterday. I had three friends that landed on a note home to the parents spot due to their behavior. They had turned their behavior around from earlier in the day, but still couldn't quite get it to move their clip all the way up on the top. I was going to write them a note, when the Holy Spirit prompted me to tell them that I was going to show them grace today. There would be no note home.they were genuinely happy. They said I was being kind even when I didn't need to. Then, without them seeing each other, all three came up individually and thanked me for the grace: "Miss L, thank you so much for the grace today," "Thank you for the grace. I'll try harder tomorrow." "Thanks for the grace."

I'm praying that the lesson of showing them grace is more impactful in shaping their heart for The Lord than any note I could have written yesterday. I pray that their thankfulness lays a foundation for them to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior.

As for me, it impacted me greatly and reminded me that Eucharisteo truly is the gateway to grace and joy. And also to not be so skeptical if their little ears are listening and learning during Bible because apparently they are!

Soulful Sunday

Thankful for this song describing my life right now. The more I focus on God, all the things that I want to worry about fade away. The power of grace overtakes my sin of worry and I don't have to be a master to it anymore.

Tapestry of Grace

"Our lives a tapestry of grace

Your hand has weaved together

In You no thread will ever fray

This hope is ours forever

Your work of art a mystery

Beyond all earthly measure

Your love for us a masterpiece

Jesus our hope always."- Hillsong United

     I love art and all its forms.  I love painting and drawing. I can remember sitting in my third grade art class wanting to be an artist.  I remember the art class I took at OU in college, and the professor commenting that I should become an artist.  (Unfortunately for me, that was not what I had mapped on my degree plan at the time.)  I love drama and the theater.  I loved getting up on stage and making others' laugh at my antics.  I still get to use that side everyday when I read stories to my kindergarten class.  I love dance, taking ballet, tap, jazz, and even a bit of hip hop growing up.  I've even been known to dance a little in the car when one of my many jams comes on.  For me, it is easy to understand God as the Creator and Almighty Artist because I can relate to this characteristic.  I am in awe of His beautiful creation constantly. In fact, spring is coming up, my favorite time of year because you can see all the new things He creates.  I've noticed my gift list is filled with God and His creator heart.

     God has been whispering something new to me lately though.  One that I have heard before, but I think He wants me to understand as I am seeking Him more.  Back in September or October, we had a teacher share at staff prayer this verse: Ephesians 2:10-For we are God's masterpiece.  He has created us anew in Christ Jesus so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago (NLT).  This truth has been everywhere.  Over and over again, God has reminded me that I am His piece of artwork.  He is the Master Artist and He is painting my life story for His glory.  Currently, I feel a little more like this picture:

A giant blob of paint.  It looks like nothing right now.  You might think that it is a group of clouds, snow covered trees, or maybe even the ocean.  It is hard to tell right now what the artist's intention is in this picture.  Would you hang this picture up in your living room or bedroom?  Would it become the central inspiration piece for a dining room?  Or does it look like a giant finger painting that a small child might create, not worth of much else except to the child and perhaps the parent?

Now look at this painting.  This of course is considered one of the great masterpieces of our time.  "Starry Night" by Vincent Van Gogh.  You can look at this picture and see the passion behind his creation of a night in country.  He tried to capture the vividness of the heavens.  The little blob above is a part of this picture.  I took it from the part by the town.  Would you have guessed that blob was part of a masterpiece?  I probably wouldn't have.

     The point that I think God has been driving home to me lately is that even though I feel like I'm a  "blob," it doesn't mean that is what my life is about.  My life, the whole entity of it, is God's Masterpiece.  He has a plan for me, a plan that will showcase His glory to the world if I will only allow Him to be that Master Artist in my life.  I may long for the control of the brush, the control of perspective, but the picture is only going to turn out as a masterpiece as long as I leave it in His hands. He is using the dark and the light points, the highs and the lows, the seen and the unseen to create a masterpiece.  He uses it all.  As the lyrics from "Tapestry" state, "Your work of art a mystery."  Right now, my masterpiece is a mystery.  I am that mysterious work of art.  When will the mystery be solved?  That day that I meet my Jesus face-to-face.  Until then, I have to trust completely in His grace and plan for me.  The Master Artist is at work!

Taking the Mystery out of the Seeking

   Last Christmas, Miss K gave me a metal paper holder that had this verse on it.  She told me that she really felt God lay on her heart that I needed to hear that message of seeking Him. As soon as she shared that with me, I saw or heard that verse everywhere.  Seek Him.  Seek Him.  Over the past two months, I've tried pressing more into Him through all kinds of methods.  I was gung-ho at the beginning of the year to do three Bible reading plans, listen only to podcasts of sermons, and spend at least twenty minutes of my day in a meditative prayer state.  I wanted to do this seeking God business that I kept hearing about.

    Since I am a human being who is not perfect and cannot live up to anyone's expectations, including my own, I failed miserably.  I couldn't follow this plan, which left me wondering, "How can I really seek God?"  I want to press more into Him, I want to know more about Him.  I want to be filled up by Him.  After going through this process of letting go of control, and just letting God guide me, He entered in with His answer.

     At our school chapel on Wednesday, Chris Spradlin spoke.  I knew it was going to be a good chapel, having become familiar with him and his wife through church.  Both of them are great speakers, always sharing the truth of God in a simple manner.  Chris wanted the kids to begin seeking God on their own.  He gave them four easy things, which spoke to me in my own search of the way to seek God.  Here they are:

1. Read your Bible.  (Or in the case of some of the kids, have your parents read it to you.)
2. Go to church.  Learn from teachers there and fellowship with other believers.
3. Pray.  It doesn't have to be fancy, just communication with God.
4. Serve others.  Look around to others and see who needs a helping hand.

     As chapel finished up, I sat there with my mind blown.  Here I was, trying to turn this "seeking God" into a huge mystical process.  In reality, it was simple, uncomplicated, and easy.  I felt God saying, "You are doing that.  You are seeking me.  It isn't going to be complicated, just turn and look to me."  I felt reassured that I am doing the things to continue to seek God.  It isn't about a rigid set of rules on how to find God or learn more about Him.  If we stop and chose a relationship with Him, one that is guided by Him, and not ourselves, we will seek and find Him.  Stop trying so hard like I was, and start making it simple.  He is closer than you think.

Releasing Control, Pt.6

As I was becoming more aware of my need for repentance for my sin of control, wading through all the muck of it, God whispered His sweet Grace to me.  I felt so disgusting because to me, my sin of control is the worst in my eyes.  I'm trying to do the job of the Supreme Creator of the universe.  Who I am I that I should try to take over?  Who am I that thinks my way and  my desires are better than His ways and His desires for my life?  I am just an extra in the movie of God's life.  I was rolling around in the muck of all of this until last Thursday, when God blessed me with a snow day.

I woke up, reluctant to have my quiet time with God because I just couldn't face Him with the sin of control all over myself.  I felt like I had screwed so many things up with my desires.But God, in His graceful nature, just asked me to come to Him, to fall down at His feet and just experience His love.  I don't need to hide behind my self-imposed fig leaves.  He whispered so many sweet things to me, things to remind me of His love for me.  All I did was to sit and let the Holy Spirit come in and wash over me and make me clean again. Because of the snow day, I was able to sit uninterrupted and unhurried as I allowed healing to take place in my heart.  That night as I went to sleep, my heart was so full and at peace.

A few days later, as I was reading my 1000 gifts list for the year, I saw this scripture on my list:
       He forgives your sins—every one. He heals your diseases—every one. He redeems you from hell—saves your life! He crowns you with love and mercy—a paradise crown. He wraps you in goodness—beauty eternal. He renews your youth—you're always young in his presence. (Psalm 103:3-5 MSG)

I've personalized it to make it my own on this journey to release control:
      He forgives your sins Amy, every one, including the sins of pride.  He heals your diseases, every one, including the controlaholic.  He redeems you from hell, saves your life!  He crowns you with love and mercy, a paradise crown for His Beloved Princess.  He wraps you in goodness, you now have a beauty eternal.  He renews your youth, you're always young in His presence, and you can start over because He makes All Things New. 

Soulful Sunday

Mind-blowing to ponder...We are glorious because God makes everything glorious...

"Good Bible Study" Christian Girl

Philippians 3: 4-11
If someone else thinks they have reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: 5 circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; 6 as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless.

7 But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8 What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in[a] Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. 10 I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

I've lived my life as the "good-Bible Study" Christian girl.  According to Christian Legalism, I've dotted every i and crossed every t.  I've never done drugs or smoked.  I've kept my promise that I made to God on my True Love Waits Card.  I have never lived the "Girls Gone Wild" lifestyle.  I did these things thinking that God would love me more than anyone and I would be covered with His favor and blessings.  But I know now that all those things are pure trash.  They are fluff in God's eyes.  I come to the cross as my true self, one who is insecure, prideful, frustrated from trying to control, and independent.  I come as the person who hides her heart away so it doesn't get hurt.  I come as the person who can be afraid to make a decision because of the fear of doing the wrong thing.  When I come to Christ in this manner, and present to Him, not my good works, but my brokenness, I truly experience His love in a deep way. I know He loves me for who I am, the person he formed in my mother's womb 30 years ago.  He has great plans for me, a future that is more than I could ever dream to imagine.  My heart becomes full as I allow His sweet words to heal my hurts and my pain.  My eyes become open  to His power and blessings in my everyday life.  I can sit in His presence and not worry that I'm being that "good-Bible Study" girl.  I can draw on His strength everyday and watch him do the impossible in my life.  Our God is that great and wonderful and powerful and is using everyday to help us become more like Him.

What Does Being a Christian Mean?

     A Christian wakes up in the morning, knowing that the only way to make it through the day is to open their heart and hands to the Lord.  The words that come from their lips are "I commit this day to You, God.  I can only live it by relying on Christ's strength in me."  The Christian's eyes and ears are open to the gifts of love and grace from God.  Eucharisteo is bubbling from their lips, the praise overflowing from their entire body.  The soul is turned to God, seeking Him.  Even though there may be sin or life's heartaches causing doubt and pain, the Christian knows to return back to the Lord and accepts His loving grace.  It is within the Christian's being the word pursuit is etched, for God is always pursuing the Christian and the Christian cannot help but to respond by pursuing God in return.  The need for control is turned over to the Lord, and the Christian trusts whatever happens in the present is what God has intended.  There is no shame by holding onto the past nor fear of what the future holds.  The Christian looks at themselves as a free being and desires to set others free from sin.  The Christian loves others, even when there is a right to stay angry or offended.  The Christian loves in a way that the world around them says that they are insane.  Entitlement is not on the hearts of a Christian, but rather humility and service.  At night, the Christian is not awake with problems or concerns, but lays their head down on the pillow while talking to their Father as they fall asleep in His arms, knowing their God is not one who sleeps.

     What does being a Christian mean to you?

Soulful Sunday

Last September, I had the joy of seeing All Sons and Daughters with Kari Jobe when they were in Oklahoma City for a worship night. So, so good. I loved worshiping God to their music, especially this song. We are all made beautiful, even those broken places we try to hide. Thank you Jesus, I am a sinner, if its not one thing its another. Thank you that you love me and have made me beautiful.

Grace, what have you done?

"As Scripture repeatedly reminds us, He brings His mighty hand down over our lives and presses His sovereign fingers into areas where it hurts.  We sigh, we squirm, we struggle, and (hopefully) we lay hold of grace and finally submit.  What blessed submission!  It is in those hurting areas where we cannot  handle it on our own that God does His very best work."- Charles Swindoll, The Grace Awakening

   I messed up last year when I was praying.  I had a promise from God laid on my heart and instead of waiting on His time and His way for that promise to be fulfilled, I thought it should mean that the promise would happen right now.  An attitude like Veruca Salt, spoiled and demanding.  The prayer for the promise became all-consuming, an idol of sorts.  When the promise wasn't fulfilled the way I thought or expected, I became angry and hurt.  How could God, if He is the good and faithful one, do that?  Why didn't He act the way I thought?  Through wise council, going back and reading what I originally wrote in my prayer journal before I went off on my Golden Calf tangent, and SEEKING GOD, I realized that while the promise itself is not bad, I screwed up by anticipating it too soon and completely praying outside the will of God. As Christine Caine once said, "There is a time for anointed and appointment.  Sometimes there is a delay between the anointing and the appointing." (Makes me think of Abraham, Joesph, and David.  The Word is filled with promises followed by waiting.Oh how I forgot...) God gave me GRACE as soon as I repented.  I however, have not been so graceful to myself.  I've been trying to hide my hurt and my shame from God because I haven't wanted to accept His GRACE for my mistake.  I have wanted to reject the promise, reject the ordained time for the promise, and reject that God gives perfect gifts because my pride doesn't want to admit that I made a mistake.  My pride doesn't want to accept the grace of the promise because I feel like I know better than God and I shouldn't get the good stuff if I am continually creating bad stuff.  But God, (I told you I love these words), has been on an endless pursuit for my heart. He wants all of it, including the parts I've hurt with my own selfishness and pride.  I have struggled, I have squirmed, but I am finally starting the submission to God.  He will take my hurt and heal it.  He will take my sin and forget it.  He will take my promise, and one day, in His right time, He will bless me with it.  Yes, I don't deserve it, in fact, I don't even deserve the relationship and  salvation I have with God.  But God loves us so much more.  Not only did He give us His son on the cross, but He also continues to heap blessing upon blessing on us. 

 God, take my hurting heart and my selfish pride.  Help me to be caught up in the rhythms of  Your Grace.  Create in me a clean heart so I can do your work.  I cannot do this on my own.

 In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Tunes on Thursday

Normally I am not planning to post music videos on Thursdays, however I HAD to make the exception! This song encapsulates my journey of GRACE this week...so beautiful! I cannot wait for the new album!