30th Birthday...The Birthday I Just Keep Celebrating...

I'm just not normally into my birthday.  I think that since it falls on Memorial Day weekend and was after school was out, it was always hard to plan parties.  I can remember one time, I invited some friends of mine when I turned 13 to a slumber party but they couldn't come because they were going to the lake or a softball tournament.  I was really sad because I thought those girls were good friends of mine. But God has been healing this wound.  Greatly in the past year.  Now I can look at my birthday and laugh with joy because that is when God let me enter the world.

Last April/May, Miss LE and my mom organized a 30th birthday countdown.  Everyday, for 30 days leading up to my birthday, I received a small gift.  For example, on day 16, I received 16 ounces of Coke Zero.  It was so much fun and I felt so loved...definitely not forgotten by my friends.  Fast forward to six months ago, back in November, my class at OCS celebrated my half birthday!  I felt so silly until it actually happened!  My class was so excited!  My sweet homeroom mom organized this super cute project where the class filled out a page about me to them.  It was so perfect and something I will treasure forever.  Now that we are in the month of May, the class was getting excited again.  My principal honored me with wearing the "Birthday Tiara" and a cupcake last Thursday.  The class was so happy for me!  Many of the little girls tried to sneak hugs when I sat down so they could touch the tiara.  They said I looked like a princess.  I won't lie, wearing it all day brought out the ballerina in me, and made me walk taller all day long.  At the end of the day, they all serenaded me with "Happy Birthday," including cha-chas.  It didn't matter that we did this six months before, all that matter was that it was birthday time again!

Now, with my birthday coming in 14 days, I have to look back on this year and smile.  When I was 19 and imagining I was 30, I never would have imagined my life where I am right now.  There are still dreams and hopes that are currently on hold, while I wait on God.  However, could I have felt more loved?  I have felt so loved and special this year not only by the beautiful people around me, but by my Father, the one who created me.  He has truly reminded me that I am his beloved, his beautiful daughter who is a princess.  I am a masterpiece who has good works to do for God to make His glory known.  I can walk around feeling delighted in everyday because that is what He does.  No more feeling ashamed or embarrassed about my birthday.  No more feeling disappointed.  Instead, I will embrace my special day and let myself be celebrated.  After all, it is what God does to me everyday, showering me with His graceful gifts.

I Love to Laugh

(If you don't know this movie or this song, then I'm not sure we can be friends!  "I Love to Laugh," Mary Poppins, 1964)

     I love to laugh.  It is why I pick most of my friends.  If you make me laugh, I'll probably be your friend.  BUT, if you let me act ridiculous around you, then I'll be your friend for life.  Last week, I posted about my Aunt Milda and her love of laughter.  I'd like to think that is who inspired me to always look for laughter!  In fact, those 'qualities-I-want-in-a-spouse' list always has sense of humor under devout Christian.  After all, you spend you're going to spend a lot of time with that person, so you better be able to laugh.

    On this journey of being pursued by God, I've experienced lots of things that have made me smile, but nothing like the out and out laughter of this week.  Tuesday, our kindergartners went to the science museum.  Now while I enjoy a good museum, it was so much fun to see and hear it with the eyes of a child.  I cracked up as I experinced a "tornado" and "solved" a crime, all while being led around by some of my students.  I laughed at the kids who got to "launch" into space!  Everything was fun and exciting. Wednesday, I had to stifle my laughter when one of my student inadvertently  made me crack up during Bible. Thank you for giant Bible pictures to hide behind.  Thursday, I had to deal with a real-life "Kindergarten Cop" scene, as well as humor some faux glasses wearers.  At tutoring this week, I have had so many chuckles and laughter. My lifegroup always brings a smile to my face, especially when we all speak before we think! Then I was cracking up with Miss LE on the phone while joking with her that her future son should be named Ulysses.  God definitely has pursued me with laughter and humor this week and I've delighted in every moment!
    I know none of the above mentioned items probably made you laugh or smile.  In fact, a lot of it is a total you-had-to-be-there moment.  However, I encourage you to go out and laugh!  Go find what what makes you smile!  Crack up so hard that you snort or cry or my favorite: BOTH!  Look for the humor and sing with me, "I love to laugh...hahahahaha!" Just like Mary Poppins and her crew rose to new heights, so can you too!  

Proverbs 17:22

The Message (MSG)

22 A cheerful disposition is good for your health;

    gloom and doom leave you bone-tired.

Hope After the Rain

For those of you that were in Oklahoma City this past Saturday, there was a torrential downpour around 2:30 in the afternoon.  I've never seen so much rain pour!  Especially when in the car...it is not my favorite thing to have try to navigate and trust that the road is still there, even when you can't see it.  At the end of the day, God painted a beautiful picture across the sky.  First, the golden sun started to barely break through the grays and the cobalt blues.  My mom called it a "Jesus Returning" sky.  She said she loves it when the sky looks like at any moment He will break through with all His glory.  Then the sky moved from the dusty blues to a brilliant gold color as the sun slowly sank down.  An hour later, this was the scene across this sky.  Isn't this amazing? Name a color in creation, and I'm pretty sure it is in this mind blowing sunset.  This picture doesn't even begin to describe the joy and wonder in my heart as I saw this definite gift from Him to my heart.  Remember my blog last week about masterpieces?  God gave me a wonderful gift after I had a long week of work at both of my jobs and fighting off this yucky virus.  I felt Him telling me, "See, this day started off rainy and cloudy.  You had no idea that I was going to end the day on this note."  God was right.  If you would have asked me at 2:30 if I thought I would see the most brilliant sunset in my life that night, I would have told you that it was impossible.  How could you see such a sunset when it is raining so much you wonder if you would see an ark float by?  But God is the God who makes all things possible!  The sunset was a reminder of His hope after the rains of life.  Even though it may be a downpour in your life right now, He is working to give you hope and a future, more than you can imagine.  Just like I couldn't dream the sunset, we can't dream how things are going to turn out.  We just have to trust and obey His leading.  One day, you will see the sweet and magnificent sunset too.  Just keep believing in the One who will create beautiful things in your life.

Psalm 126

The Message (MSG)

A Pilgrim Song

 It seemed like a dream, too good to be true,

    when God returned Zion’s exiles.

We laughed, we sang,

    we couldn’t believe our good fortune.

We were the talk of the nations—

    “God was wonderful to them!”

God was wonderful to us;

    we are one happy people.

 And now, God, do it again—

    bring rains to our drought-stricken lives

So those who planted their crops in despair

    will shout hurrahs at the harvest,

So those who went off with heavy hearts

    will come home laughing, with armloads of blessing.

Soulful Sunday

I'm pretty much in love with this song...It sounds exactly how my heart feels about Jesus right now!

Releasing Control, Pt.5

    In 2012, I had my teaching career.   I enjoyed my team as well as the faculty on staff at the school I was employed with. I was starting to look at houses in the area thinking I could make some roots.  But God had other plans.  He opened the door to a job at a Christian private school, which has helped me to grow in so many ways.  It was a huge step of faith, but I know God has been with me all the way.  It definitely has been a green pasture for my soul. Then the money for the house had to go to all kinds of other things. 30 years old and living with my parents.  That was definitely not in my plans.  Now I am looking at this time as a gift.  I get to spend time with my parents, time I might not always have.  It has helped to understand the male psyche a bit (thanks Dad).  Apparently you can say whatever you want when ESPN is on TV because they are not listening.  Now I know the time to not ask important questions.

     During August, God was very clear that I needed to be still and wait on Him to bring my husband in my life.  That really didn't go over well at first, because to my logical mindset, how in the world would I meet anyone just waiting on God?  But over and over God was clear until I finally surrendered to His idea for my dating life in October.  It hasn't been easy, though, because at times I have wanted to lunge for the control again.  However, when I seek Him and focus on Him, it becomes easy to surrender and walk in His way, in His promises.

        There was a sermon in July that pretty much sums up the past eight months of letting go of control. It was by Pierre Du Plessis and in it he reminded me that I am more than dust, I am clay in the hands of the Supreme Potter. I have re-listened to it, taken more notes on it, and even mediated on the scriptures in it. I have had Jeremiah 18:6 posted on my nightstand since December. God has repeated this message as I am re-reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan.  It really is not all about me, what I think is best.  God's ways are higher than mine, and He loves me so much  He has plans things for my life that will allow me to glorify Him best.  I need to just stop and turn the control over to the One who is really the wisest about it all. Fortunately for me, God's grace covers me, taking my sin of control and removing it as far as the east is from the west.  It was a hard year of surrender to the Lord in 2012, but definitely a lesson I need to learn.  God is in control of all things in my life.

Releasing Control, Pt.3

Once I got the taste of what it was like to control things, I went super crazy in college.  I was one of those weirdos that took my degree plan and mapped it out to the last class I would ever need with no deviations after my sophomore year.  I honestly was probably the worst roommate ever because I would try to control how clean the living room and kitchen of where I lived all the time.  I had no grace for myself or others during this time.  God tried to show me that He was in control multiple times, but I was so thick-headed I didn't hear it.  First, He allowed Miss A to move away after sophomore year. That was not in my plan.  How was I going to survive my fellow old lady leaving?  While I was on a six week mission trip to Ukraine, my roommate informs me via e-mail (which mind you was not as reliable or instant as in 2013) that she is not returning to school that fall.  I scrambled for living arrangements.  That was not in my plan.  When I returned from the trip, I had gall bladder surgery and my grandma died within one month.  Those two things?  Really not in my plan for my college experience.  Then, when I felt like things were finally going to plan, the house I lived in got infested with skunks (So THAT'S why that cute guy in my Islam History class wouldn't talk to me...all my clothes were skunk scented.) and I found out that I had to graduate a semester early!  I literally ran out of classes to take!  So much for that degree mapping plan.

You would think that after all of that, the need for control would stop.  Instead, it intensified because I knew I didn't have it all together and I was struggling to maintain my grip on everything.  God continued to try and show me of my need to let Him control things while I was in graduate school.  However, it wasn't until I finished school completely God started to break my need for control by breaking my pride. I ended up taking a job that I thought was totally beneath me at the time.  I wanted a high paying job with a business card when I finished school and instead I ended up teaching preschool.  Nothing more humbling to pride than having to help a kid who pooped their pants.  It was one of the best God moments when I look back at it.  I worked with some amazing women who not only taught me how to better take care and educate kids in a Godly manner, but they also showed me what a real grace filled relationship with the Lord looks like.  I'll be forever grateful for that time there, and thankful God broke me of my pride and need to control so I could grow.

However, with any sin that is an addiction, it can just come roaring back and try to over take your life, and that is just what happens next.

"Good Bible Study" Christian Girl

Philippians 3: 4-11
If someone else thinks they have reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: 5 circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; 6 as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless.

7 But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8 What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in[a] Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. 10 I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

I've lived my life as the "good-Bible Study" Christian girl.  According to Christian Legalism, I've dotted every i and crossed every t.  I've never done drugs or smoked.  I've kept my promise that I made to God on my True Love Waits Card.  I have never lived the "Girls Gone Wild" lifestyle.  I did these things thinking that God would love me more than anyone and I would be covered with His favor and blessings.  But I know now that all those things are pure trash.  They are fluff in God's eyes.  I come to the cross as my true self, one who is insecure, prideful, frustrated from trying to control, and independent.  I come as the person who hides her heart away so it doesn't get hurt.  I come as the person who can be afraid to make a decision because of the fear of doing the wrong thing.  When I come to Christ in this manner, and present to Him, not my good works, but my brokenness, I truly experience His love in a deep way. I know He loves me for who I am, the person he formed in my mother's womb 30 years ago.  He has great plans for me, a future that is more than I could ever dream to imagine.  My heart becomes full as I allow His sweet words to heal my hurts and my pain.  My eyes become open  to His power and blessings in my everyday life.  I can sit in His presence and not worry that I'm being that "good-Bible Study" girl.  I can draw on His strength everyday and watch him do the impossible in my life.  Our God is that great and wonderful and powerful and is using everyday to help us become more like Him.

What Does Being a Christian Mean?

     A Christian wakes up in the morning, knowing that the only way to make it through the day is to open their heart and hands to the Lord.  The words that come from their lips are "I commit this day to You, God.  I can only live it by relying on Christ's strength in me."  The Christian's eyes and ears are open to the gifts of love and grace from God.  Eucharisteo is bubbling from their lips, the praise overflowing from their entire body.  The soul is turned to God, seeking Him.  Even though there may be sin or life's heartaches causing doubt and pain, the Christian knows to return back to the Lord and accepts His loving grace.  It is within the Christian's being the word pursuit is etched, for God is always pursuing the Christian and the Christian cannot help but to respond by pursuing God in return.  The need for control is turned over to the Lord, and the Christian trusts whatever happens in the present is what God has intended.  There is no shame by holding onto the past nor fear of what the future holds.  The Christian looks at themselves as a free being and desires to set others free from sin.  The Christian loves others, even when there is a right to stay angry or offended.  The Christian loves in a way that the world around them says that they are insane.  Entitlement is not on the hearts of a Christian, but rather humility and service.  At night, the Christian is not awake with problems or concerns, but lays their head down on the pillow while talking to their Father as they fall asleep in His arms, knowing their God is not one who sleeps.

     What does being a Christian mean to you?

Pursued by Love

One of my favorite books is Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. I read it back as a freshman in high school, loving the determined pursuit of Elizabeth's heart by Mr. Darcy.  He gently wins her heart by being a servant and loving her despite the fact both were very prideful to one another.

Lately, God has been reminding me of my own selfish pride. I was reading Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer. She says, "...impatience is the fruit of pride." I was blown away by conviction of the root of my impatience. I am impatient because I am not trusting in the Lord's timing and due to my pride, think I know better. My flesh wants to be a "do"er, while God is asking me to be a "wait"er. If I wait on His timing, He will give me what is the best for me.

Back to P&P. God has also been very clear to me that he wants me to learn how to be pursued. He wants me to accept it when He chases after me with His great love. The only way that can happen is if I lay down my pride and humble my heart. Then God can pursue me on a deeper level and continue to gently win my heart each day,  Imagine that,  the Servant King, always loving me purely and covering me with grace. Sounds too good to be true.  I'll admit, my pride doesn't want to allow myself to be pursued, especially by God because I think I don't deserve it.  It is true that I don't...BUT GOD wants me.   He wants me more than I could ask or imagine.  With that,  God has been also very clear to me that as I learn to be pursued by Him, it will open the way in my heart for that Godly warrior He is preparing for me to do life with.  God has shown me that I can't be pursued by my future two if I am not even letting God in all my heart.  So, I lay me down, take away my pride...pursue me Lord, pursue me. I will wait for You each morning and evening.  Let me be surrounded in your amazing love.