Releasing Control, Pt.2

     My first memory of wanting to control things is an unexpected one.  It is my Junior year of high school.   My drama friends, the ones I usually spend a majority of time with, all have prom dates to our Junior-Senior prom.  I was dateless.  I remember I was disappointed to not have a date, in fact I would say it was the first time I can remember praying for something and God didn't answer it in the way that I desired.  Some of my other friends didn't have dates either, and so we decided to be the cool girls and go as "independent women."  I wanted to have everything controlled and perfect so I wouldn't dwell on the fact I was flying solo.  I wanted the perfect dress, the perfect shoes, the perfect make-up, and the perfect hair.  I wanted to have the most fun at the prom with my friends so I would forget that I was hurt I didn't have a date.
     Despite all the plans I made to control the perfect evening, I couldn't control the moment when my ladies both got asked to dance and I sat alone at a table.  I couldn't control the feelings of sadness and disappointment that washed over me.  My perfect fun night with my friends went out of my control and I was  sitting there, wishing to be anywhere else.
     That night changed how I viewed things in my life.  When things slipped out of my control that night, it awakened a need in me to begin to control as much as I could of my life. I wanted the control.  I didn't like uncertainty. Open yourself up to new things, take a risk, and in the end, you can't control what you feel.  I never wanted to be in that situation again.  I wanted to control everything, including my feelings to avoid disappointment and pain again.  Slowly, brick by brick, the walls were starting to be built around my heart.  The next year, instead of going to my senior prom, I had a "Friends" TV night with one of my BFFs, Miss M.  We watched certain episodes of Friends that we loved.  We ate pizza that we loved.  We drank root beer that we knew tasted good.  There were no surprises about that night.  Instead we had a night of well controlled fun.
     Because Miss M and I had so much fun (we did, really), it gave me the false confidence that when I control things my life is better.  And that is how I started my journey to a controlaholic.