Saturday's List: Three Dreams

Alright, all you psychological minded people, you can come analyze my mind! I've had some crazy dreams this week! You may not be able to figure them out, but I hope they give you a laugh!

1. The first dream I was in this old farmhouse (I'm in a farmhouse a lot in my dreams) in the dinning room. I was getting ready for a baby shower using aqua and orange colored decorations. Some man walked into the room and dropped off two newborn babies. Then he left! The babies started to cry, so I had to put down the decorations and soothe them. Once they were quiet, I turned around to finish decorating and then the babies made more noise. So I turned around to them and they were in high chairs, a little bigger, covered in food and then there was a third new baby in a walker on the floor! I felt stressed because people were coming and I had to finish the party up AND clean the babies off! I finally got back to decorating when I turned back around and there were now two toddlers, an older infant, and another new baby. Thankfully, I woke up. What's funny about that dream is two days later, a good friend of mine called to tell me she is pregnant!

2. Teacher friends, you'll recognize this dream. Usually I have this dream in July, but it came early this year. I don't know if it's because I'm missing my class and my coworkers. Anyway, it was the first day of school. The power was out but we still had to have school. I had this little girl and boy that were constantly standing and running on top of the tables. I was trying to have us to do an art project, but the kids kept saying they couldn't understand my language. I tried to show them what to do with the paper, but it didn't work. Lunch time came, and I had to serve them all from a hot bar. The kids started complaining and throwing food and then running out of the room. At that point, I woke up. I figure that my real life first day in August cannot be as bad as my dream, right?

3. The last dream is pretty short and simple to describe. I was dreaming I was a lady's maid on Downton Abbey. We were getting things ready for another Crawley wedding and I had the job of getting the blankets ready for all the rooms. Not sure what that is about, unless it just means I'm ready to watch season four!

God's Pursuit of Us

On Tuesday, I mentioned the book Love Does by Bob Goff. I wrote that one of my favorite chapters was when he pursued his wife. I wanted to tell you why today. 

In the book, Bob has this radar, maybe even the Holy Spirit, that goes off as soon as he sees his Sweet Maria. The same thing didn't happen for Sweet Maria, so Bob spends three years pursuing her...and often not in a very traditional way.  His first grand gesture was a giant Valentine's Day card followed by a string of PB&J sandwiches. I won't give too many details away, as I think everyone should go read the book. At the end of the chapter, Bob says that because of what he went through with Maria, he is more in tune with the ways God is continually pursuing us.

I love that idea. God didn't just pursue us one time. You know, the idea that God woos us until we make a decision to follow Him. After that, no more pursuit until heaven. What a trap I think we can fall into! God pursues us every day, all day. We have just have our eyes open to experience it and take it in. I know that for me, becoming an intentional gift counter has helped me to see God's love for me everyday.

An example of this great pursuit happened yesterday. I was really tired for some reason when I woke up. I also wasn't in the best mood because I was struggling with some old thorns, and I was having to take those thoughts captive. As I was reading my Bible, just the right verse popped out at me. I knew God was pursuing me, telling me His truth about me. Then on the way to work, I looked up at the sky, and the clouds just seemed to make a beautiful heart shape in the sky. I knew God did they for me, like a giant Valentine card, reminding me how much He loves me. I am His and He is mine. Right before I got out of the car, one of my favorite songs came on the radio, and I knew God just wanted me  to know that even though I was tired, that old habits may never completely go away, I am still loved by Him. His grace covers and strengthens me. And, He pursues me every day, I just have to have my eyes and heart open to it.

Go, go open your eyes. Open your heart up to the art of being pursued by the God of the Universe. Delight in His love for you. God may have touched my heart through His word, His creation, and music for me because He knows that my creative heart is more tuned into those things. But for you it might be different the way He pursues you. It could be in a variety of ways. And if you feel like you can't see it, be honest with Him and ask Him. God will be faithful and show you that He is pursuing you with His mighty love everyday. 

What I'm Listening to Wednesday

I love this song.  As I have been going through this growing process with Jesus, over and over He has asked me to be still and wait on Him.  The chorus is so perfect!  I hope that it can help you turn your eyes to Him.  It is so beautiful...when I was at the concert on Saturday, all I did was lift my hands and cry and let my spirit speak during this song.  Be refreshed this midweek!

Come with me...

Last week, in my journey to deconstruct my walls that I had erected in my life, Jesus led me to this scripture in the Beth Moore study I'm doing.  It is from Song of Solomon, a book I normally skip because I think, "That stuff is for married people.  When I get married one day, I will read through it."  However, it was a really sweet and tender passage, just the right group of 'honey words' I needed to hear:

 My beloved spoke and said to me,

    “Arise, my darling,

    my beautiful one, come with me.

See! The winter is past;

    the rains are over and gone.

Flowers appear on the earth;

    the season of singing has come,

the cooing of doves

    is heard in our land.

The fig tree forms its early fruit;

    the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.

Arise, come, my darling;

    my beautiful one, come with me.” - Song of Solomon 2:10-13

I really felt like the Spirit was speaking this directly to me.  The hard time of "winter" in my life of having to lay down control, pride, and sadness is over.  God is creating and renewing a Spring season in my life now.  The hard work of pruning is over and I am beginning to bear some fruit and radiate the scent of Christ to others.  I just need to grab the hand of Jesus and let Him lead me out of these walls and start walking with Him.  As I was praying about this idea of just walking and not knowing where this journey would lead, an image very similar to the picture below came to mind:

     Bob Goff talks about our life with Jesus as an adventure in his book Love Does.  It is an excellent read.  The first time, the second time, probably even the 400th time.  I feel like after reading and re-reading, I know this guy on a personal level, so I'm going to refer to him as Bob.  (He probably would be ok with that.)  Some of my favorite chapters in the book are about how he pursues his wife and his account of his children's ten-year old adventures.  Bob says this at the end of describing the adventures, "Even though Jesus' disciples were older, they must have felt like my kids did on their ten-year-old adventures.  they saw joy and suffering, triumph and tragedy, and in the end there was just a man, an idea, and an invitation without a lot of details.  The disciples were unschooled and ordinary like my kids, like all of us.  Yet they didn't need all the details because they were on an adventure with a father who wanted to take them.  You don't need to know everything when you're with someone you trust."  

     Bob is right.  Jesus is calling me to come with Him.  I don't know the details of this journey.  But I can trust God that what is ahead will be what He has allowed to come into my life so I can be a best witness of His love and glory to others.  I'm grabbing His hand and we are walking ahead....Destination: Heaven. Details to get there, like sights to see or pit stops:  Unknown.  But that is OK!  :-)

Walls Around Your Heart

     Walls are good.  Walls keep things separated and keep things out.  Walls provide protection and security.  Even in the Bible, Proverbs tells us to guard our hearts.  That verse always made me think of building a wall like this around your heart.  God clearly wants us to have boundaries around our hearts to help us stay living a life that is pleasing to Him.  

     What I think happens, and what God has CLEARLY shown me lately is that some of my walls I have are not His walls for holy living, but rather walls I have created to keep myself safe.  God has shown me that those walls are my feeble attempt at a way to protect myself from getting hurt by people or situations.  You see, we all get wounded in life.  I think for me, wounds from other people hurt the most, whether they intentional meant to hurt me or not.  I know part of that comes from the way God designed me as a "Feeler-Type" personality.  When wounds like that happen, I tend to erect the wall faster than you can count to three and then after that, no one can tread inside.  I protect myself as best as I can to avoid hurt.  But who is keeping that wall intact?  Me.  Who build the wall? Me.  Why did I built that wall?  Well, basically because I don't trust.  I don't trust others.  And, as much as it sickens me to type this, a lack of trust in God. 

     There is this lovely lady I work with at my school.  She is so wise and sweet.  She has this comforting sounding Southern accent.  And of course, she gives the best hugs.  In fact, I consider it a "superdeduper" day if I see her and get a hug.  She said something a few weeks ago that I know Jesus wanted me to hear in deconstructing these walls.  She said, "The Lord doesn't allow something to happen in our lives that hasn't passed through the throne room of Grace first."  Go ahead, you know you want to write that down.  God has really shown me in the past couple of months that same concept over and over again.  He is in control of my life.  He doesn't promise a trouble free life, but rather that when trouble comes, I can take heart in Him.  He will use all things for His glory in my life.  If I get a wound, God can heal it and turn it around for His good.  I cannot rely on myself for protection, but rather, instead depend on God to protect me.  He will bring people and circumstances into my life that will make more into His masterpiece, His design of Amy.  Because of this revelation, I have slowly taken down the walls I built to keep my heart safe and leaving His walls in tact. I'll admit, I am afraid on what is on the other side of these walls.  But I know that as I keep holding onto my Savior's hand, He will lead me in the best way.  And if things happen and I get a wound, guess what?  Jesus is still right there beside me, healing me and loving me all the way home.

Soulful Sunday

      Last night, I had the opportunity to go to Hillsong United.  I just love seeing them in person.  Every time I see them, I get more excited for heaven.  I can't wait for the day when we will all just sit in God's presence and worship Him 24/7.  It fills the longing of my heart and soul, that deep place that nothing else can fill or touch. It was especially moving last night as these past six months, even ten months, have been a huge growing season for me in Jesus.  It has been hard and I've been disappointed at times.  Actually a lot of the time.  And, I won't lie, there have been times I have wanted to quit as well.  But through lots of encouragement, I feel like I'm actually in a better place than I was in last year at this time.  Anyway, at Hillsong, as we sung this song last night, these words expressed exactly how I have felt.  Tears flowed out of my eyes as I sang the truth of these words out:  "I will fight to follow, I will fight for love.  To throw my life forever into the triumph of the Son.  Let Your love be my companion in the war against my pride, long to break all vain obsession till You're all that I desire."

Saturday's List: 20 Random Things about Ames

Do you remember those email surveys from many, many years ago? You know, those that you had a friend fill out and then you emailed onto other friends? Some people hated them. I loved them because I like learning random facts about others. In that mindset, I've gone old school with my blog today, and here are 20 Random Facts:

1. What is a place from your past where you felt completely safe?

     -For me, I have two places from when I was a child. The first place was my Great Aunt Milda's enclosed sun porch at her house Denver. She had this cute dining set and we would eat meals and celebrate birthdays there. She also had this teal and cream colored lounger that I remember reading and drawing pictures on. I loved that room and would one day love to have a room like that in my own house.  The other place is the porch swing at my Grandpa and Grandma L's house. I thought it was the coolest thing to have a swing attached to your house. I loved going to sit on it and rock back and forth.

2. Are you a dog or a cat person?

     -I really don't mind cats. It was the only kind of pet I had growing up. In fact, I'll take one with a good personality over a grumpy cat any day. However, in college, I wanted to get a dog, I think a black lab, and name him Sam. Well I have a dog, he is an Italian Greyhound/Whippet, and His name is George. And he is the best dog ever. So I guess I prefer dogs.

3. Vanilla or chocolate?

     - It totally depends. I love a good vanilla bean cupcake or some ice cream. But I love chocolate in my salted caramel lattes and of course, my momma's wacky cake.

4. What is your favorite thing to write with?

     -A sharpie. 

5.  What is your morning routine?

    -Well, first I have to stop being bleary eyed. Then I do my morning devotional time. I then usually shower, because I like to think about what I read then. Then I finish getting ready for the day (make-up, hair, fashionable clothing choices) and finally have breakfast and a cup of coffee. I'm a little like Lorelei Gilmore and really cannot function without coffee in the morning. If my throat feels dry or scratchy, I might have some tea first, but I will have coffee. Finally, I brush my pearly whites and then out the door!

6. Favorite color for bed sheets?

     -As much as I love color on everything, I prefer my bed sheets to be white. My sheets currently are white with an eyelet trim. Super feminine, I know, but as long as I'm a single gal, I'll live in my fancy girly world.

7.  What did you want to grow up to be when you were five?

     -Probably She-Ra, Princess of Power, followed by Punky Brewster, Sleeping Beauty, and then Dolly Parton.

8.  Any tattoos?

     -Nope. In college, I was seriously contemplating getting a butterfly with the word "Agape" on the wings. I was visiting my grandma one night, and she "randomly" grabbed my hand and said, "Don't get a tattoo." Everyone else thought grandma was nuts, but I knew what it was about. So, for whatever reason, I have no tats and probably would never get one.

9. Favorite Yankee Candle scent?

     -My favorite, Lily of the Valley is retired. My everyday favorite is Pink Sands.  My favorite at Christmas is Christmas at the Beach.

10. Do you watch Downton Abbey?

     - Yes. But I'm incredibly upset at what  happened at the end of season three. Don't even get me started.

11.  Favorite book you have read this year?

     -Hmmm. Actually I have to say Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. I'm just about finished re-reading it for the second time. I think the first time I read it, I had such mixed feelings about it because I wasn't spiritually mature to really get the heart of it. But I do now and it's changed me for His best.

12.  Movie that makes you laugh and cry?

  -It's a toss-up between UP! and Return to Me.

13.  Thing that you try to do that no one else really knows about.

     -Learn the Toby Mac rap part to Mandisa's Good Morning song...."you smoothie, me ice cold pizza..." I've just about got it down. Now what to do with my new skills?

14.  Guilty pleasure song you know all the words to?

   -As I found out last week, apparently the Backstreet Boys from back in the day. Can't remember where I had stashed my Hillsong tickets, (don't worry, I found them), but I can remember the words and hand motions to "As Long As You Love Me." I fear if I ever get amnesia, that might be the only thing I remember.

15. One thing you really want to wear, but are too afraid to?

    - I really want a pair of pink neon pants. But then I chicken out because I don't know where I would wear them.

16.  Thing you are looking forward to:

    - I try to find at least one thing to look forward to each day. Today is the Hillsong United concert. :-)

17. McDonalds or Burger King? 

   -Neither. How about Chick-Fil-A?

18. Who is your favorite Sesame Street character?

    -Ernie or Big Bird. I liked Ernie because he was fun and didn't act so boring like Bert. Big Bird always reminded me of myself though. 

19. What is your favorite guilty pleasure TV show?

    -Probably Reba, her first one that was on the WB. Even though some people didn't like it because there was a teen pregnancy on the show, that was one reason I liked it. That happens in real life and the way the family showed grace to each other was great. Not to mention you can't help but laugh at Barbara Jean and Van. Crack. Me. Up.

20.  What is something that makes you happy?

    - Interestingly, I've really learned a lot about happiness vs. joy in my life lately. Happiness is an emotion, where joy is a state of being because of the Holy Spirit within me.  I may not be happy during a rough time, but I can be joyful, knowing that no experience is wasted in God's hands. So, on that note, I would say that as weird as it sounds either eating an orange or drinking orange juice make me feel that emotion of happy. The orange is just a bright pretty color, the smell is so clean to me, and the taste is sweet and sometimes a little sour. To me, an orange is a little bit of sunshine. 

Whew! Ok, that's it! 20 random facts about me!

Soulful Sunday

After my quiet time this morning, this hymn came to mind. It's one of my favorites, and this version is fantastic. It is beautiful, sweet, and so pure. Listen to the words and let God speak to you. What a way to start a Sunday!

Chelsea Moon and the Franz Brothers, "Trust and Obey": http://youtu.be/IrSCxfnN2B8

Honey is delicious!!!

Raise your hand if you love honey.  Me too.  Just like that silly old Winnie-the-Pooh Bear, I love honey.  My favorite way to eat honey is with peanut butter on a sandwich.  I love that over a PB&J any day.  (But not a PB& banana...that is my favorite...Ok, off this rabbit trail about sandwiches...) The Bible talks a lot about honey.  A lot.  I'm taking it as a great sign that my eternal destination will be filled with lots of this delicious food.  A verse that I read in my quiet time yesterday, really stuck to my heart.  I think part of it came because of a great chapel over the importance of words this past school year.  The other part came from a place of conviction which then pointed me in the right direction.  The verse is Proverbs 16:24- Kind words are like honey- sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.  Wow.  Look at the power of words.  If they are kind, they are sweet to our souls.  And we all know that kind words help us by having a healthy self-image.  Because the chapel this year focused on speaking the kind words to others, I've thought about that verse in the way I relate to others.  Can I say something to encourage?  If I feel a prompting to send someone a kind text message or email that day, can I do it?  What if I sent a fun and caring card to a friend I haven't talked to in a long time?  All of that is important.  But reading Proverbes 16:24 yesterday morning, hit another chord after meeting with some of my lifegroup for a prayer night the night before.

You see, just like what several of us shared, I have struggled with negative self-talk as long as I can remember.  I can remember thinking such negative thoughts about myself that I went down the road of eating disorders and depression.  After years of therapy, prayer, and digging into God's word, I know the truth about myself through Jesus' perspective.  I felt sad when I realized I've deprived myself of sweetness and health for many years.  I do try very hard to take those negative thoughts captive to break that chain and walk away from that lifestyle.  However, when life starts to get rough, guess what rears its ugly self again?  Yup, you guessed it.  Those words that are bitter and sick to the body.  I know when I find myself under stress it is hard to feel positive.  And the first place those positive thoughts flee from are about myself.  Another awesome pastor, Pete Wilson, wrote this great book called Plan B, which changed my perspective about life when I read it during the summer of 2010.  In it, he stated that when we are tired, the devil just takes it as an opportunity to attack because we won't feel like putting up the fight.  Truer words were never spoken.  I haven't been sleeping that well for the past month, so I do feel tired.  And when I'm tired, you probably have guessed it, I don't feel like a truth teller to myself.

My friends, I'm here to encourage you.  Let's stop the negative words to ourselves.  Let's stop thinking we aren't good enough at ______.  Refuse to entertain those words that kill and create sour spirits.  Instead, speak "honey" words to yourself today.  You are loved by the most high God.  You are a member of a Royal Priesthood.  He has equipped you with the strength you need for your day.  He knit you together inside your mother.  God has plans for you, he wants to give you that hope and that future that will exceed your imagination and prayers.  I know that I am going to give myself this little honey pep talk today, maybe even several times, to heal the wounds from the past few weeks.  Let's set ourselves free and feast on honey!

What I'm Listening to Wednesday

It is summer time!  And the only soundtrack for me during summer...Jack Johnson!

Patience, Pt.3

     I love Elevation Church out in North Carolina, which is pastored by Steven Furtick.  I know it is weird to say that you love a church you have never actually visited in person, but I do.  Pastor Steven Furtick is mentored by the senior pastor of the church I attend, LifeChurch.tv, so the first time I heard about Elevation was back in 2008ish.  I remember that Pastor Furtick had this crazy platinum hair and jacket on, and at first glance I wasn't so sure about this dude.  But he preached, and ever since then, I've been a pretty loyal podcast listener.  The guy preaches with so much fire for God, you cannot help but be impacted by the power of God's truth.  

       As I've struggled with impatience lately, God has sent this sermon series at just the right time to speak life into my heart.  The first sermon in the series is entitled "The Greatest Source of My Frustration." Ah, I thought to myself.  Good.  I can get to the source of what is frustrating me, causing me to be impatient and then get rid of it in my life.  Pastor Furtick used Luke 10 where Jesus visits Mary and Martha as the Biblical illustration.  I made it through the first 3 points, just listening away when BAM! It hit me right between the eyes.  Pastor Furtick stated, "You get frustrated when you confuse God's purpose and expectations for yourself with your purpose and expectations for yourself."  You see, the source of my frustration with myself lately is because I have wanted my purpose for life to happen.  I'll be honest, High School Amy is a little crushed at life right now. Even College Amy is probably disappointed.  When I was 18, I had planned in my mind that I would be married at 23, a mom at 25, and enjoying motherhood right now.  I probably would have had a part time job where I was a counselor, helping people get healthy mentally. In college, I had moved the marriage age to 25-28, be a mom at 30, and working at a community college teaching "Intro to World Religions."   Instead, as Pastor Furtick put it, "God wrecks your plans so you have to cling to Him and go deeper with Him.  He wants to fill in that gap."  Whoa. Seriously? I mean, God, really?  We probably could have gone deeper with my plan, right?  I guess not.

   It made me think about God's purpose for me over the past six years. If I had followed my plan, I wouldn't have been able to let my life live out His purpose for me. I think about all the kids and families God has allowed me to touch for Him. I think about how because of my singleness I can show other young women that our lives should be focused on knowing God more, not finding our Mrs. Title by giving into fear by settling. You will survive if all your friends get married, I promise. :-) I think about how I can serve in the kids ministry at church because I can find joy in each kiddo. My attitude might be different if I had my own family. I may not even have the desire to serve! God's purpose for me is definitely greater than any dream or plan I had. I need to change my perspective and look from my Father's eyes at my life, and not my eyes. Then the frustration and impatience will cease.

  Forgive me God for being frustrated and impatient for what you have called me to do for You right now. If I lay my dreams down in Your hands, I know that you will allow them to come back in the way you have intended them to manifest in my life so that Your glory would be made known. Give me the eyes to see Your purpose for me in life. In Jesus' Name, Amen

Soulful Sunday: DCB "This I Know"

Oh David Crowder Band...you have let God use you again in my life.  It seems like there are key moments in life and for me, strangely enough, they can be defined by DCB's heart of worship through their songs.  I can remember when I first heard them on KLOVE during my freshman year of college and laughing at Crowder's love of Dr.Pepper and sense of humor, all while just worshiping God.  It was the beginnings of my heart starting to become a worshiper.  I remember the summer after I finished graduate school and I had to lay down so much of myself and certain prideful dreams.  I was running and had uploaded some DCB to my iPod and was again struck with the sound of true abandonment in the songs.  I longed for that, to be that lost in worship I could express God by hands lifted, dancing, or whatever to express my love for this Great King.  I remember that as I lived through seeing all of my FC girls from college get married and feeling abandoned, and they released "Never Let Go" and remembering that God still had me, continuing to help me worship in the hard times.  I remember that God created a "chance" way for me to go see them on their last tour. I worshiped with so much freedom that night.  I still think about it even today, remembering that is the heart I want to have before God.  I danced, I sang, I jumped, I did it all for Jesus.  Thinking about that night makes me so excited for heaven!  And again, it was just what I needed as I had started one of the hardest school years in my teaching career.  God picked me up and revived my heart again.  "This I Know" comes from their last release. And the words couldn't express my heart right now in a better way. You see, these first six months of the year have been challenging to say the least.  God has been cleaning out my heart, healing old wounds, and changing my perspectives.  God has been filling in my expectation gap (Thanks Pastor Steven Furtick, for that 'timely' series...so sad for it to end) with Himself.  He has reminded me of times that He has taken me up on spiritual and physical mountains to show me His love and how He frees me.  I know these things, and I think after a few weeks wrestling with impatience over delayed dreams, this song reminds me that "This I know..."  I know His love and I know that I have wanted it more than anything else in life.  I'm ready God, I'm ready.  Take me deeper still, I know that it wouldn't be that hard for you (Ephesians 3:20):

Up on the mountain

Where Your love captured me

Where finally i am free

This i know

Up on the mountain

Where You Taught my soul to sing

Amazing grace the sweetest thing

This i know

And then the storm rushing in

And here i am again

This i know

Take me up to where i was

When i never wanted more than You

Lift me up to feel your touch

It wouldn't be that much for You

This i know

This i know

This i know

This i know

Up on the mountain

Where You took me by the hand

Taught me to dance again

This i know

Up on the mountain

Where You took this heart of stone

Put life back in these bones

This i know

Take me up to where i was

When i never wanted more than You

Lift me up to feel your touch

It wouldn't be that much for You

This i know

This i know

This i know

This i know