Grace, what have you done?

"As Scripture repeatedly reminds us, He brings His mighty hand down over our lives and presses His sovereign fingers into areas where it hurts.  We sigh, we squirm, we struggle, and (hopefully) we lay hold of grace and finally submit.  What blessed submission!  It is in those hurting areas where we cannot  handle it on our own that God does His very best work."- Charles Swindoll, The Grace Awakening

   I messed up last year when I was praying.  I had a promise from God laid on my heart and instead of waiting on His time and His way for that promise to be fulfilled, I thought it should mean that the promise would happen right now.  An attitude like Veruca Salt, spoiled and demanding.  The prayer for the promise became all-consuming, an idol of sorts.  When the promise wasn't fulfilled the way I thought or expected, I became angry and hurt.  How could God, if He is the good and faithful one, do that?  Why didn't He act the way I thought?  Through wise council, going back and reading what I originally wrote in my prayer journal before I went off on my Golden Calf tangent, and SEEKING GOD, I realized that while the promise itself is not bad, I screwed up by anticipating it too soon and completely praying outside the will of God. As Christine Caine once said, "There is a time for anointed and appointment.  Sometimes there is a delay between the anointing and the appointing." (Makes me think of Abraham, Joesph, and David.  The Word is filled with promises followed by waiting.Oh how I forgot...) God gave me GRACE as soon as I repented.  I however, have not been so graceful to myself.  I've been trying to hide my hurt and my shame from God because I haven't wanted to accept His GRACE for my mistake.  I have wanted to reject the promise, reject the ordained time for the promise, and reject that God gives perfect gifts because my pride doesn't want to admit that I made a mistake.  My pride doesn't want to accept the grace of the promise because I feel like I know better than God and I shouldn't get the good stuff if I am continually creating bad stuff.  But God, (I told you I love these words), has been on an endless pursuit for my heart. He wants all of it, including the parts I've hurt with my own selfishness and pride.  I have struggled, I have squirmed, but I am finally starting the submission to God.  He will take my hurt and heal it.  He will take my sin and forget it.  He will take my promise, and one day, in His right time, He will bless me with it.  Yes, I don't deserve it, in fact, I don't even deserve the relationship and  salvation I have with God.  But God loves us so much more.  Not only did He give us His son on the cross, but He also continues to heap blessing upon blessing on us. 

 God, take my hurting heart and my selfish pride.  Help me to be caught up in the rhythms of  Your Grace.  Create in me a clean heart so I can do your work.  I cannot do this on my own.

 In Jesus' Name, Amen.